Good Intentions
Produced by David Widger
SHIP'S COMPANY
By W.W. Jacobs
GOOD INTENTIONS
"Jealousy; that's wot it is," said the night-watchman, trying to sneer--"pure jealousy." He had left his broom for a hurried half-pint at the"Bull's Head"--left it leaning in a negligent attitude against thewarehouse-wall; now, lashed to the top of the crane at the jetty end, itpointed its soiled bristles towards the evening sky and defied capture.
"And I know who it is, and why 'e's done it," he continued. "Fust andlast, I don't suppose I was talking to the gal for more than ten minutes,and 'arf of that was about the weather.
"I don't suppose anybody 'as suffered more from jealousy than wot I 'ave:Other people's jealousy, I mean. Ever since I was married the missis hasbeen setting traps for me, and asking people to keep an eye on me. Iblacked one of the eyes once--like a fool--and the chap it belonged tomade up a tale about me that I ain't lived down yet.
"Years ago, when I was out with the missis one evening, I saved a gal'slife for her. She slipped as she was getting off a bus, and I caught 'erjust in time. Fine strapping gal she was, and afore I could get mybalance we 'ad danced round and round 'arfway acrost the road with ourarms round each other's necks, and my missis watching us from thepavement. When we were safe, she said the gal 'adn't slipped at all;and, as soon as the gal 'ad got 'er breath, I'm blest if she didn't sayso too.
"You can't argufy with jealous people, and you can't shame 'em. When Itold my missis once that I should never dream of being jealous of her,instead of up and thanking me for it, she spoilt the best frying-pan weever had. When the widder-woman next-door but two and me 'ad rheumaticsat the same time, she went and asked the doctor whether it was catching.
"The worse trouble o' that kind I ever got into was all through trying todo somebody else a kindness. I went out o' my way to do it; I wasted thewhole evening for the sake of other people, and got into such troubleover it that even now it gives me the cold shivers to think of.
"Cap'n Tarbell was the man I tried to do a good turn to; a man what usedto be master of a ketch called the Lizzie and Annie, trading between'ere and Shoremouth. 'Artful Jack' he used to be called, and if ever aman deserved the name, he did. A widder-man of about fifty, and as sillyas a boy of fifteen. He 'ad been talking of getting married agin forover ten years, and, thinking it was only talk, I didn't give 'im anygood advice. Then he told me one night that 'e was keeping company witha woman named Lamb, who lived at a place near Shoremouth. When I asked'im what she looked like, he said that she had a good 'art, and, knowingwot that meant, I wasn't at all surprised when he told me some time arterthat 'e had been a silly fool.
"'Well, if she's got a good 'art,' I ses, 'p'r'aps she'll let you go.'
"'Talk sense,' he ses. 'It ain't good enough for that. Why, sheworships the ground I tread on. She thinks there is nobody like me inthe whole wide world.'
"'Let's 'ope she'll think so arter you're married,' I ses, trying tocheer him up.
"'I'm not going to get married,' he ses. 'Leastways, not to 'er. But'ow to get out of it without breaking her 'art and being had up forbreach o' promise I can't think. And if the other one got to 'ear of it,I should lose her too.'
"'Other one?' I ses, 'wot other one?'
"Cap'n Tarbell shook his 'ead and smiled like a silly gal.
"'She fell in love with me on top of a bus in the Mile End Road,' he ses.'Love at fust sight it was. She's a widder lady with a nice little 'ouseat Bow, and plenty to live on-her 'usband having been a builder. I don'tknow what to do. You see, if I married both of 'em it's sure to be foundout sooner or later.'
"'You'll be found out as it is,' I ses, 'if you ain't careful. I'msurprised at you.'
"'Yes,' he ses, getting up and walking backwards and forwards;'especially as Mrs. Plimmer is always talking about coming down to seethe ship. One thing is, the crew won't give me away; they've been withme too long for that. P'r'aps you could give me a little advice, Bill.'
"I did. I talked to that man for an hour and a'arf, and when I 'adfinished he said he didn't want that kind of advice at all. Wot 'ewanted was for me to tell 'im 'ow to get rid of Miss Lamb and marry Mrs.Plimmer without anybody being offended or having their feelings hurt.
"Mrs. Plimmer came down to the ship the very next evening. Fine-lookingwoman she was, and, wot with 'er watch and chain and di'mond rings andbrooches and such-like, I should think she must 'ave 'ad five or sixpounds' worth of jewell'ry on 'er. She gave me a very pleasant smile,and I gave 'er one back, and we stood chatting there like old friendstill at last she tore 'erself away and went on board the ship.
"She came off by and by hanging on Cap'n Tarbell's arm. The cap'n wasdressed up in 'is Sunday clothes, with one of the cleanest collars on I'ave ever seen in my life, and smoking a cigar that smelt like an escapeof gas. He came back alone at ha'past eleven that night, and 'e told methat if it wasn't for the other one down Shoremouth way he should be the'appiest man on earth.
"'Mrs. Plimmer's only got one fault,' he ses, shaking his 'cad, 'andthat's jealousy. If she got to know of Laura Lamb, it would be all U.P.It makes me go cold all over when I think of it. The only thing is toget married as quick as I can; then she can't help 'erself.'
"'It wouldn't prevent the other one making a fuss, though,' I ses.
"'No,' he ses, very thoughtfully, 'it wouldn't. I shall 'ave to dosomething there, but wot, I don't know.'
"He climbed on board like a man with a load on his mind, and arter a lookat the sky went below and forgot both 'is troubles in sleep.
"Mrs. Plimmer came down to the wharf every time the ship was up, arterthat. Sometimes she'd spend the evening aboard, and sometimes they'd gooff and spend it somewhere else. She 'ad a fancy for the cabin, I think,and the cap'n told me that she 'ad said when they were married she wasgoing to sail with 'im sometimes.
"'But it ain't for six months yet,' he ses, 'and a lot o' things might'appen to the other one in that time, with luck.'
"It was just about a month arter that that 'e came to me one eveningtrembling all over. I 'ad just come on dooty, and afore I could ask 'imwot was the matter he 'ad got me in the 'Bull's Head' and stood me three'arf-pints, one arter the other.
"'I'm ruined,' he ses in a 'usky whisper; 'I'm done for. Why was wimmenmade? Wot good are they? Fancy 'ow bright and 'appy we should all bewithout 'em.'
"'I started to p'int out one or two things to 'im that he seemed to 'aveforgot, but 'e wouldn't listen. He was so excited that he didn't seem toknow wot 'e was doing, and arter he 'ad got three more 'arf-pints waitingfor me, all in a row on the counter, I 'ad to ask 'im whether he thoughtI was there to do conjuring tricks, or wot?'
"'There was a letter waiting for me in the office,' he ses. 'From MissLamb--she's in London. She's coming to pay me a surprise visit thisevening--I know who'll get the surprise. Mrs. Plimmer's coming too.'
"I gave 'im one of my 'arf-pints and made 'im drink it. He chucked thepot on the floor when he 'ad done, in a desprit sort o' way, and 'im andthe landlord 'ad a little breeze then that did 'im more good than wot thebeer 'ad. When we came outside 'e seemed more contented with 'imself,but he shook his 'ead and got miserable as soon as we got to the wharfagin.
"'S'pose they both come along at the same time,' he ses. 'Wot's to bedone?'
"I shut the gate with a bang and fastened the wicket. Then I turned to'im with a smile.
"'I'm watchman 'ere,' I ses, 'and I lets in who I thinks I will. Thisain't a public 'ighway,' I ses; 'it's a wharf.'
"'Bill,' he ses, 'you're a genius.'
"'If Miss Lamb comes