Mr. Punch's Golf Stories Read online

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  +======================================================================+| || Transcriber's notes || || Illustrations have been moved to directly below the article || they refer to and some pages of this work have been moved from the || original sequence to enable the contents to continue without || interruption. The page numbering remains unaltered. || || Text printed in italics in the original is represented here between || underscores, as in _text_. || || Text printed in small capitals in the original work have been || changed to ALL CAPITALS. || |+======================================================================+

  GOLF STORIES]

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  PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

  Edited by J.A. HAMMERTON

  Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, thecream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comicdraughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to "Punch," from itsbeginning in 1841 to the present day.

  MR. PUNCH'S GOLF STORIES

  GOLFER]

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  THE GOLFER'S DREAM]

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  MR. PUNCH'S GOLF STORIES

  TOLD BY HIS MERRY MEN

  AND ILLUSTRATED BY

  PHIL MAY, GEORGE DU MAURIER, L. RAVEN-HILL, F.H. TOWNSEND, HARRY FURNISS, E.T. REED, BERNARD PARTRIDGE, F. PEGRAM, A.S. BOYD, A.T. SMITH, A. WALLIS MILLS, DAVID WILSON, C.E. BROCK, GUNNING KING, C. HARRISON, G.L. STAMPA, TOM BROWNE AND OTHERS

  GOLFER]

  _WITH 136 ILLUSTRATIONS_

  PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH

  THE PROPRIETORS OF "PUNCH"

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  THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.

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  THE PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR

  _Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages fully illustrated_

  LIFE IN LONDONCOUNTRY LIFEIN THE HIGHLANDSSCOTTISH HUMOURIRISH HUMOURCOCKNEY HUMOURIN SOCIETYAFTER DINNER STORIESIN BOHEMIAAT THE PLAYMR. PUNCH AT HOMEON THE CONTINONGRAILWAY BOOKAT THE SEASIDEMR. PUNCH AFLOATIN THE HUNTING FIELDMR. PUNCH ON TOURWITH ROD AND GUNMR. PUNCH AWHEELBOOK OF SPORTSGOLF STORIESIN WIG AND GOWNON THE WARPATHBOOK OF LOVEWITH THE CHILDREN

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  THE HUMOUR OF GOLF

  There are few pastimes that supply their followers with more innocentmerriment than is afforded by "the royal and ancient." Certainly nooutdoor game can make the neophyte feel more utterly worm-like in hisability, for it is the peculiar quality of golf to appear to be absurdlyeasy to the onlooker and preposterously difficult to the unpractisedplayer. It may be taken that there is no better way of reducing a man'sself-conceit than to place him on the teeing ground for the first time,present him with a driver and invite him to strike a little rubber-coredball to a distance of 200 yards in a given direction. Consequently wehave here most excellent material for fun; and you may depend upon itMR. PUNCH has not had his eyes long shut to the humours of the links.Despite the royalty and antiquity of golf, it has been thoroughlydemocratised in modern times, and its popularity, in the wideproportions to which it has attained, is chiefly a matter of recentyears. Despite the shortness of the period that is represented by whatwe may call the vogue of golf--a vogue that is by no means in danger ofpassing--MR. PUNCH has evidently found the game so rich in fun that hismerry knights of the pen and the pencil have contributed to his pages asmany pictures as to illustrate very lavishly this volume and a good dealmore literary matter than could be used. In the days when croquet was aspopular as golf is to-day--the days of Leech and Keene--doubtless avolume could have been drawn from PUNCH devoted entirely to that sport.But it is worthy of note that an examination of these old croquetpictures and jokes for a comparison of them with the contents of thepresent volume leaves one with the conviction that the humour of thepresent day is infinitely superior to the humour of the days of Leechand Keene. Admirable draughtsmen though these artists were, both ofthem, but Leech particularly, were often content to let their masterlydrawings appear with the feeblest jokes attached. The standard of humourhas been immensely raised of late years, and MR. PUNCH'S GOLF STORIES isno bad evidence of that.

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  MR. PUNCH'S GOLF STORIES

  "GOLFERS AS I 'AVE KNOWN"

  (_By a Caddie_)

  MR. PUNCH]

  Golfers I divides in me own mind into three clarses; them as 'its theball, them as skratches it, and them as neither 'its nor skratches theblooming ball but turns rarnd and wants to 'it or skratch anyone as issmall and 'andy. The first clars is very rare, the second is dreadfullplentifull, and the third, thank 'evins, can jeneraly be kep clear of bythem as knows the ropes. Sich as meself.

  Any himprovement in golfers, as a clars, is doo to the 'uge morrilhinfluence of us caddies, 'oom some pretends to look down on. Much canbe done, even wif the most 'ardened (and some of them golfers isdreadfull 'ardened), by firmness and hexample. "Show 'em from the fustas you'll stand no nonsense," is allus my words when the yunger caddiesgathers ararn me fer hadvice. Me being older than me years, as the syingis, and much looked up to. If, as I often 'ears say, there's less oflangwidge and more of golf upon these 'ere links, it's doo in no smallpart to 'im 'oo pens these lines. 'Oo's 'onnered nime is 'Enery Wilks.

  I seldom demmeans meself to speak to the kulprits, for severil reasonswhich I shall not go into, but I 'ave other meffods. There's sniffing,fer instance. Much can be done by jerdishous sniffing, which can bechinged to soot all cases. Or there's a short, 'ard, dryish larf, butthat ain't allus sife. As a blooming rule, I rellies upon me sniff, mesmile and me eye. There's few of them as can meet the last when I chusesto turn it on. Not as I objecs very strongly to a little 'onnestcussing; it's hinjustice and false haccusashun as I will not stand.

  Sich are me meffods to them as needs 'em, but don't think, becos attimes I'm cold like and 'ard and stern, that I cannot be jentle wif themas call fer jentleness. No blooming errer! 'Enery Wilks is the lad to'oom old gents in need of keerfull nussing should be hintrusted by theirwives and keepers. I'm not allooding now to old tigers 'oos stiple foodis red pepper in 'uge quantitties, 'oo turn upon yer like bloomingmanniacks if yer blows yer nose quite inercent, and 'oo report yerbefore yer know if you're standing on yer 'ead or yer 'eels. No, I'm notallooding to old gentlemen like them! 'Enery Wilks 'as very little usefer sich unguvverned creetures. In 'is erpinyun they should not be letabrord without a chine. But I am allooding to them 'oos pashuns age 'astamed, insted of blooming well hincreesed, to jentle 'armless oldfellers, 'oo will almost eat out of yer 'and, as the sying is, an sich aone is Mister Perceval Giggington.

  Over sixty 'e is, and allus kind and civvil and respeckfull, but 'e 'asno more haptitood fer golf than a jeerarf. Sometimes I thinks, musingkindly like, as 'ow the old cove 'ud be yunger if 'e took the gime lessseerius. But 'Enery Wilks 'as little to reproche 'imself about; 'e, atleast, 'as done what 'e could to 'elp old Giggs. 'Is wife came down tothe Club 'Ouse wif 'im
larst Toosday, jest as nice an old lidy as 'e's agent. She drew me on one side and spoke konfidenshul like, while the oldman was fussing and bleeting about 'is clubs. It seems as she'd 'eard ofme, and 'eard nuthing but good. Which is only right.

  "'Enery," she ses, "me 'usband 'as set 'is 'art, as you well know, ongoing rarnd the course in under an 'undred and thirty strokes. It'sbeginning to tell on 'is 'ealth, the strine and diserpointment, and Iwants it stopped. 'E's going rarnd allone wif you now, as the course isclear, and I wants," she ses, "_I wants you to see as 'e does it!_" sheses.

  Well, nobody, excep one ignerrant, gellous,