His Other Self Read online

  Produced by David Widger

  NIGHT WATCHES

  by W.W. Jacobs

  HIS OTHER SELF

  "They're as like as two peas, him and 'is brother," said the night-watchman, gazing blandly at the indignant face of the lighterman on thebarge below; "and the on'y way I know this one is Sam is because Billdon't use bad langwidge. Twins they are, but the likeness is onlyoutside; Bill's 'art is as white as snow."

  He cut off a plug of tobacco, and, placing it in his cheek, waitedexpectantly.

  "White as snow," he repeated.

  "That's me," said the lighterman, as he pushed his unwieldy craft fromthe jetty. "I'll tell Sam your opinion of 'im. So long."

  The watchman went a shade redder than usual. That's twins all over, hesaid, sourly, always deceiving people. It's Bill arter all, and,instead of hurting 'is feelings, I've just been flattering of 'im up.

  It ain't the fust time I've 'ad trouble over a likeness. I've been atwin myself in a manner o' speaking. It didn't last long, but it lastedlong enough for me to always be sorry for twins, and to make a lot ofallowance for them. It must be very 'ard to have another man goingabout with your face on 'is shoulders, and getting it into trouble.

  It was a year or two ago now. I was sitting one evening at the gate,smoking a pipe and looking at a newspaper I 'ad found in the office,when I see a gentleman coming along from the swing-bridge. Well-dressed, clean-shaved chap 'e was, smoking a cigarette. He was walkingslow and looking about 'im casual-like, until his eyes fell on me, whenhe gave a perfect jump of surprise, and, arter looking at me very 'ard,walked on a little way and then turned back. He did it twice, and I wasjust going to say something to 'im, something that I 'ad been gettingready for 'im, when he spoke to me.

  "Good evening," he ses.

  "Good evening," I ses, folding the paper over and looking at 'im rathersevere.

  "I hope you'll excuse me staring," he ses, very perlite; "but I've neverseen such a face and figger as yours in all my life--never."

  "Ah, you ought to ha' seen me a few years ago," I ses. "I'm likeeverybody else--I'm getting on."

  "Rubbish!" he ses. "You couldn't be better if you tried. It'smarvellous! Wonderful! It's the very thing I've been looking for.Why, if you'd been made to order you couldn't ha' been better."

  I thought at fust he was by way of trying to get a drink out o' me--I'vebeen played that game afore--but instead o' that he asked me whether I'ddo 'im the pleasure of 'aving one with 'im.

  We went over to the Albion, and I believe I could have 'ad it in a pailif I'd on'y liked to say the word. And all the time I was drinking hewas looking me up and down, till I didn't know where to look, as thesaying is.

  "I came down 'ere to look for somebody like you," he ses, "but I neverdreamt I should have such luck as this. I'm an actor, and I've got toplay the part of a sailor, and I've been worried some time 'ow to makeup for the part. D'ye understand?"

  "No," I ses, looking at 'im.

  "I want to look the real thing," he ses, speaking low so the landlordshouldn't hear. "I want to make myself the living image of you. Ifthat don't fetch 'em I'll give up the stage and grow cabbages."

  "Make yourself like me?" I ses. "Why, you're no more like me than I'mlike a sea-sick monkey."

  "Not so much," he ses. "That's where the art comes in."

  He stood me another drink, and then, taking my arm in a cuddling sort o'way, and calling me "Dear boy," 'e led me back to the wharf andexplained. He said 'e would come round next evening with wot 'e calledhis make-up box, and paint 'is face and make 'imself up till peoplewouldn't know one from the other.

  "And wot about your figger?" I ses, looking at 'im.

  "A cushion," he ses, winking, "or maybe a couple. And what aboutclothes? You'll 'ave to sell me those you've got on. Hat and all. Andboots."

  I put a price on 'em that I thought would 'ave finished 'im then andthere, but it didn't. And at last, arter paying me so many morecompliments that they began to get into my 'ead, he fixed up a meetingfor the next night and went off.

  "And mind," he ses, coming back, "not a word to a living soul!"

  He went off agin, and, arter going to the Bull's Head and 'aving a pintto clear my 'ead, I went and sat down in the office and thought it over.It seemed all right to me as far as I could see; but p'r'aps the pintdidn't clear my 'ead enough--p'r'aps I ought to 'ave 'ad two pints.

  I lay awake best part of next day thinking it over, and when I got up I'ad made up my mind. I put my clothes in a sack, and then I put on someothers as much like 'em as possible, on'y p'r'aps a bit older, in casethe missis should get asking questions; and then I sat wondering 'ow toget out with the sack without 'er noticing it. She's got a veryinquiring mind, and I wasn't going to tell her any lies about it.Besides which I couldn't think of one.

  I got out at last by playing a game on her. I pertended to drop 'arf adollar in the washus, and while she was busy on 'er hands and knees Iwent off as comfortable as you please.

  I got into the office with it all right, and, just as it was gettingdark, a cab drove up to the wharf and the actor-chap jumped out with abig leather bag. I took 'im into the private office, and 'e was soready with 'is money for the clothes that I offered to throw the sackin.

  He changed into my clothes fust of all, and then, asking me to sit downin front of 'im, he took a looking-glass and a box out of 'is bag andbegan to alter 'is face. Wot with sticks of coloured paint, and falseeyebrows, and a beard stuck on with gum and trimmed with a pair o'scissors, it was more like a conjuring trick than anything else. Then'e took a wig out of 'is bag and pressed it on his 'ead, put on the cap,put some black stuff on 'is teeth, and there he was. We both lookedinto the glass together while 'e gave the finishing touches, and then heclapped me on the back and said I was the handsomest sailorman inEngland.

  "I shall have to make up a bit 'eavier when I'm behind the floats," heses; "but this is enough for 'ere. Wot do you think of the imitation ofyour voice? I think I've got it exact."

  "If you ask me," I ses, "it sounds like a poll-parrot with a cold in the'ead."

  "And now for your walk," he ses, looking as pleased as if I'd saidsomething else. "Come to the door and see me go up the wharf."

  I didn't like to hurt 'is feelings, but I thought I should ha' bust. Hewalked up that wharf like a dancing-bear in a pair of trousers too tightfor it, but 'e was so pleased with 'imself that I didn't like to tell'im so. He went up and down two or three times, and I never sawanything so ridikerlous in my life.

  "That's all very well for us," he ses; "but wot about other people?That's wot I want to know. I'll go and 'ave a drink, and see whetheranybody spots me."

  Afore I could stop 'im he started off to the Bull's Head and went in,while I stood outside and watched 'im.

  "'Arf a pint o' four ale," he ses, smacking down a penny.

  I see the landlord draw the beer and give it to 'im, but 'e didn't seemto take no notice of 'im. Then, just to open 'is eyes a bit, I walkedin and put down a penny and asked for a 'arf-pint.

  The landlord was just wiping down the counter at the time, and when Igave my order he looked up and stood staring at me with the wet cloth'eld up in the air. He didn't say a word--not a single word. He stoodthere for a moment smiling at us foolish-like, and then 'e let go o' thebeer-injin, wot 'e was 'olding in 'is left hand, and sat down heavy onthe bar floor. We both put our 'eads over the counter to see wot had'appened to 'im, and 'e started making the most 'orrible noise I 'aveever heard in my life. I wonder it didn't bring the fire-injins. Theactor-chap bolted out as if he'd been shot, and I was just thinking offollering 'im when the landlord's wife and 'is two daughters camerushing out and asking me wot I 'ad done to him.

  "There
--there--was two of 'im !" ses the landlord, trembling andholding on to