An Adulteration Act Read online

  Produced by David Widger

  THE LADY OF THE BARGE

  AND OTHER STORIES

  By W. W. Jacobs

  AN ADULTERATION ACT

  Dr. Frank Carson had been dreaming tantalizing dreams of cooling,effervescent beverages. Over and over again in his dreams he had risenfrom his bed, and tripping lightly down to the surgery in his pajamas,mixed himself something long and cool and fizzy, without being able tobring the dream to a satisfactory termination.

  With a sudden start he awoke. The thirst was still upon him; thematerials for quenching it, just down one flight of stairs. He wouldhave smacked his lips at the prospect if they had been moist enough tosmack; as it was, he pushed down the bedclothes, and throwing one leg outof bed-became firmly convinced that he was still dreaming.

  For the atmosphere was stifling and odorous, and the ceiling descended inan odd bulging curve to within a couple of feet of his head. Still halfasleep, he raised his fist and prodded at it in astonishment--a feelingwhich gave way to one of stupefaction as the ceiling took another shapeand swore distinctly.

  "I must be dreaming," mused the doctor; "even the ceiling seems alive."

  He prodded it again-regarding it closely this time. The ceiling at oncerose to greater altitudes, and at the same moment an old face with bushywhiskers crawled under the edge of it, and asked him profanely what hemeant by it. It also asked him whether he wanted something for himself,because, if so, he was going the right way to work.

  "Where am I?" demanded the bewildered doctor. "Mary! Mary!"

  He started up in bed, and brought his head in sudden violent contact withthe ceiling. Then, before the indignant ceiling could carry out itsthreat of a moment before, he slipped out of bed and stood on a floorwhich was in its place one moment and somewhere else the next.

  In the smell of bilge-water, tar, and the foetid atmosphere generally hisclouded brain awoke to the fact that he was on board ship, but resolutelydeclined to inform him how he got there. He looked down in disgust atthe ragged clothes which he had on in lieu of the usual pajamas; andthen, as events slowly pieced themselves together in his mind,remembered, as the last thing that he could remember, that he had warnedhis friend Harry Thomson, solicitor, that if he had any more to drink itwould not be good for him.

  He wondered dimly as he stood whether Thomson was there too, and walkingunsteadily round the forecastle, roused the sleepers, one by one, andasked them whether they were Harry Thomson, all answering with muchfluency in the negative, until he came to one man who for some time madeno answer at all.

  The doctor shook him first and then punched him. Then he shook him againand gave him little scientific slaps, until at length Harry Thomson, in afar-away voice, said that he was all right.

  "Well, I'm glad I'm not alone," said the doctor, selfishly. "_Harry!Harry! Wake up!_"

  "All ri'!" said the sleeper; "I'm all ri'!"

  The doctor shook him again, and then rolled him backward and forward inhis bunk. Under this gentle treatment the solicitor's faculties weresomewhat brightened, and, half opening his eyes, he punched viciously atthe disturber of his peace, until threatening voices from the gloompromised to murder both of them.

  "Where are we?" demanded the doctor, of a deep voice from the other sideof the forecastle which had been particularly threatening.

  "Barque _Stella,_ o' course," was the reply. "Where'd you think youwas?"

  The doctor gripped the edge of his friend's bunk and tried to think;then, a feeling of nausea overcoming all others, he clambered hurriedlyup the forecastle ladder and lurched to the side of the vessel.

  He leaned there for some time without moving, a light breeze cooling hisfevered brow, and a small schooner some little distance from them playingseesaw, as he closed his eyes to the heaving blue sea. Land wasconspicuous by its absence, and with a groan he turned and looked abouthim--at the white scrubbed deck, the snowy canvas towering aloft onlazily creaking spars, and the steersman leaning against the wheelregarding the officer who stood near by.

  Dr. Carson, feeling a little better, walked sternly aft, the officerturning round and glancing in surprise at his rags as he approached.

  "I beg your pardon," began the doctor, in superior tones.

  "And what the devil do you want?" demanded the second officer; "who toldyou to come along here?"

  "I want to know what this means," said the doctor, fiercely. "How dareyou kidnap us on your beastly bilge-tank?"

  "Man's mad," murmured the astonished second officer.

  "Insufferable outrage!" continued the doctor. "Take us back toMelbourne at once."

  "You get for'ard," said the other sharply; "get for'ard, and don't let mehave any more of your lip."

  "I want to see the captain of this ship," cried the doctor; "go and fetchhim at once."

  The second officer gazed at him, limp with astonishment, and then turnedto the steersman, as though unable to believe his ears. The steersmanpointed in front of him, and the other gave a cry of surprise and rage ashe saw another tatterdemalion coming with uncertain steps toward him.

  "Carson," said the new arrival, feebly; and coming closer to his friend,clung to him miserably.

  "I'm just having it out with 'em, Thomson," said the doctor,energetically. "My friend here is a solicitor. Tell him what 'll happenif they don't take us back, Harry."

  "You seem to be unaware, my good fellow," said the solicitor, covering alarge hole in the leg of his trousers with his hand, "of the verydangerous situation in which you have placed yourselves. We have nodesire to be harsh with you--"

  "Not at all," acquiesced the doctor, nodding at the second officer.

  "At the same time," continued Mr. Thomson--"at the--" He let go hisfriend's arm and staggered away; the doctor gazed after himsympathetically.

  HE SAW ANOTHER TATTERDEMALION COMING TOWARDS HIM.]

  "His digestion is not all it should be," he said to the second officer,confidentially.

  "If you don't get for'ard in two twos," said that gentleman, explosively,"I'll knock your heads off."

  The doctor gazed at him in haughty disdain, and taking the limp Thomsonby the arm, led him slowly away.

  "How did we get here?" asked Mr. Harry Thomson, feebly.

  The doctor shook his head.

  "How did we get these disgusting clothes on?" continued his friend.

  The doctor shook his head again. "The last thing I can remember, Harry,"he said, slowly, "was imploring you not to drink any more."

  "I didn't hear you," said the solicitor, crustily; "your speech was veryindistinct last night."

  "Seemed so to you, I dare say," said the other.

  Mr. Thomson shook his arm off, and clinging to the mainmast, leaned hischeek against it and closed his eyes. He opened them again at the soundof voices, and drew himself up as he saw the second officer coming alongwith a stern-visaged man of about fifty.

  "Are you the master of this vessel?" inquired the doctor, stepping tohis friend's side.

  "What the blazes has that got to do with you?" demanded the skipper."Look here, my lads; don't you play any of your little games on me,because they won't do. You're both of you as drunk as owls."

  "Defamation of character," said the solicitor, feebly, to his friend.

  "Allow me," said the doctor, with his best manner, "to inquire what allthis means. I am Dr. Frank Carson, of Melbourne; this gentleman is myfriend Mr. Thomson, of the same place, solicitor."

  "What?" roared the skipper, the veins in his forehead standing out."Doctor! Solicitor! Why, you damned rascals, you shipped with me ascook and A. B."

  "There's some mistake," said the doctor. "I'm afraid I shall have to askyou to take us back. I hope you haven't come far."
<
br />   "Take those scarecrows away," cried the skipper, hoarsely; "take themaway before I do them a mischief. I'll have the law of somebody forshipping two useless lubbers as seamen. Look to me like pickpockets."

  "You shall answer for this," said Carson, foaming; "we're professionalmen, and we're not going to be abused by a bargee."

  "Let him talk," said Mr. Thomson, hurriedly drawing his friend away fromthe irate skipper. "Let him talk."

  "I'll put you both in quod when we get to Hong-kong," said the skipper."Meantime, no work, no food; d'ye