Bedridden and the Winter Offensive Read online

  Produced by David Widger

  DEEP WATERS

  By W.W. JACOBS

  CONTENTS: BEDRIDDEN THE WINTER OFFENSIVE

  BEDRIDDEN

  July 12, 1915.--Disquieting rumours to the effect that epidemic ofBilletitis hitherto confined to the north of King's Road shows signs ofspreading.

  July 14.--Report that two Inns of Court men have been seen peeping overmy gate.

  July 16.--Informed that soldier of agreeable appearance and charmingmanners requests interview with me. Took a dose of Phospherine and went.Found composite photograph of French, Joffre, and Hindenburg waiting forme in the hall. Smiled (he did, I mean) and gave me the mutilated formof salute reserved for civilians. Introduced himself as Quartermaster-Sergeant Beddem, and stated that the Inns of Court O.T.C. was goingunder canvas next week. After which he gulped. Meantime could I take ina billet. Questioned as to what day the corps was going into camp saidthat he believed it was Monday, but was not quite sure--might possibly beTuesday. Swallowed again and coughed a little. Accepted billet and feltcompletely re-warded by smile. Q.M.S. bade me good-bye, and then withthe air of a man suddenly remembering something, asked me whether I couldtake two. Excused myself and interviewed my C.O. behind the dining-roomdoor. Came back and accepted. Q.M.S. so overjoyed (apparently) that hefell over the scraper. Seemed to jog his memory. He paused, and gazingin absent fashion at the topmost rose on the climber in the porch, askedwhether I could take three! Added hopefully that the third was only aboy. Excused myself. Heated debate with C.O. Subject: sheets.Returned with me to explain to the Q.M.S. He smiled. C.O. accepted atonce, and, returning smile, expressed regret at size and position ofbedrooms available. Q.M.S. went off swinging cane jauntily.

  July 17.--Billets arrived. Spoke to them about next Monday and canvas.They seemed surprised. Strange how the military authorities decline totake men into their confidence merely because they are privates. Letthem upstairs. They went (for first and last time) on tiptoe.

  July 18.--Saw Q.M.S. Beddem in the town. Took shelter in the King'sArms.

  Jug. 3.--Went to Cornwall.

  Aug. 31.--Returned. Billets received me very hospitably.

  Sept. 4.--Private Budd, electrical engineer, dissatisfied withappearance of bell-push in dining-room, altered it.

  Sept. 5.--Bells out of order.

  Sept. 6.--Private Merited, also an electrical engineer, helped PrivateBudd to repair bells.

  Sept. 7.--Private Budd helped Private Merited to repair bells.

  Sept. 8.--Privates Budd and Merited helped each other to repair bells.

  Sept. 9.--Sent to local tradesman to put my bells in order.

  Sept. 15.--Told that Q.M.S. Beddem wished to see me. Saw C.O. first.She thought he had possibly come to take some of the billets away.Q.M.S. met my approach with a smile that re-minded me vaguely of picture-postcards I had seen. Awfully sorry to trouble me, but Private Montease,just back from three weeks' holiday with bronchitis, was sleeping in thewood-shed on three planks and a tin-tack. Beamed at me and waited. Wentand bought another bed-stead.

  Sept. 16.--Private Montease and a cough entered into residence.

  Sept. 17, 11.45 p.m.--Maid came to bedroom-door with some cough lozengeswhich she asked me to take to the new billet. Took them. PrivateMontease thanked me, but said he didn't mind coughing. Said it was anheirloom; Montease cough, known in highest circles all over Scotlandsince time of Young Pretender.

  Sept. 20.--Private Montease installed in easy-chair in dining-room withtouch of bronchitis, looking up trains to Bournemouth.

  Sept. 21.--Private Montease in bed all day. Cook anxious "to do herbit" rubbed his chest with home-made embrocation. Believe it is samestuff she rubs chests in hall with. Smells the same anyway.

  Sept. 24.--Private Montease, complaining of slight rawness of chest, butotherwise well, returned to duty.

  Oct. 5.--Cough worse again. Private Montease thinks that with care itmay turn to bronchitis. Borrowed an A.B.C.

  Oct. 6.--Private Montease relates uncanny experience. Woke up withfeeling of suffocation to find an enormous black-currant and glycerinejujube wedged in his gullet. Never owned such a thing in his life.Seems to be unaware that he always sleeps with his mouth open.

  Nov. 14.--Private Bowser, youngest and tallest of my billets, gazetted.

  Nov. 15, 10.35 a.m.--Private Bowser in tip-top spirits said good-bye tous all.

  10.45.--Told that Q.M.S. Beddem desired to see me. Capitulated. Newbillet, Private Early, armed to the teeth, turned up in the evening.Said that he was a Yorkshireman. Said that Yorkshire was the finestcounty in England, and Yorkshiremen the finest men in the world. Stoodtoying with his bayonet and waiting for contradiction.

  Jan. 5, 1916.--Standing in the garden just after lunch was witness tostartling phenomenon. Q.M.S. Beddem came towards front-gate with asmile so expansive that gate after first trembling violently on itshinges swung open of its own accord. Q.M.S., with smile (sad), said hewas in trouble. Very old member of the Inns of Court, Private Keen, hadre-joined, and he wanted a good billet for him. Would cheerfully give uphis own bed, but it wasn't long enough. Not to be outdone in hospitalityby my own gate accepted Private Keen. Q.M.S. digging hole in my pathwith toe of right boot, and for first and only time manifesting signs ofnervousness, murmured that two life-long friends of Private Keen's hadrejoined with him. Known as the Three Inseparables. Where they were tosleep, unless I----. Fled to house, and locking myself in top-atticwatched Q.M.S. from window. He departed with bent head and swagger-canereversed.

  Jan 6.--Private Keen arrived. Turned out to be son of an old Chief ofmine. Resolved not to visit the sins of the father on the head of achild six feet two high and broad in proportion.

  Feb. 6.--Private Keen came home with a temperature.

  Feb. 7.--M.O. diagnosed influenza. Was afraid it would spread.

  Feb. 8.--Warned the other four billets. They seemed amused. Pointedout that influenza had no terrors for men in No. 2 Company, who weredoomed to weekly night-ops. under Major Carryon.

  Feb. 9.--House strangely and pleasantly quiet. Went to see how PrivateKeen was progressing, and found the other four billets sitting in a rowon his bed practising deep-breathing exercises.

  Feb. 16.--Billets on night-ops. until late hour. Spoke in highest termsof Major Carryon's marching powers--also in other terms.

  March 3.--Waited up until midnight for Private Merited, who had gone toSlough on his motor-bike.

  March 4, 1.5 a.m.--Awakened by series of explosions from over-worked, orbadly-worked, motor-bike. Put head out of window and threw key toPrivate Merited. He seemed excited. Said he had been chased all the wayfrom Chesham by a pink rat with yellow spots. Advised him to go to bed.Set him an example.

  1.10. a.m.--Heard somebody in the pantry. 2.10. a.m.--Heard PrivateMerited going upstairs to bed.

  2.16 a.m.--Heard Private Merited still going upstairs to bed.

  2.20-3.15. a.m.--Heard Private Merited getting to bed.

  April 3, 12.30 a.m.--Town-hooter announced Zeppelins and excited soldiercalled up my billets from their beds to go and frighten them off.Pleasant to see superiority of billets over the hooter: that only emittedthree blasts.

  12.50 a.m.--Billets returned with exception of Private Merited, who wasretained for sake of his motor-bike.

  9 a.m.--On way to bath-room ran into Private Merited, who, looking veryglum and sleepy, inquired whether I had a copy of the Exchange and Martin the house.

  10 p.m.--Overheard billets discussing whether it was worth while removingboots before going to bed until the Zeppelin scare was over. Joined
indiscussion.

  May 2.--Rumours that the Inns of Court were going under canvas.Discredited them.

  May 5.--Rumours grow stronger.

  May 6.--Billets depressed. Begin to think perhaps there is something inrumours after all.

  May 9.-All doubts removed. Tents begin to spring up with the suddennessof mushrooms in fields below Berkhamsted Place.

  May 18, LIBERATION DAY.--Bade a facetious good-bye to my billets;response lacking in bonhomie.

  May 19.-House delightfully quiet. Presented caller of unkempt appearanceat back-door with remains of pair of military boots, three empty shaving-stick tins, and a couple of partially bald tooth-brushes.

  May 21.--In afternoon went round and looked at camp. Came home smiling,and went to favourite seat in garden to smoke. Discovered Private Earlylying on it fast asleep. Went to study. Private Merited at tablewriting long and well-reasoned letter to his tailor. As he said he couldnever write properly with anybody else in the room, left him and went tobath-room. Door locked. Peevish but familiar voice, with a Scotchaccent, asked me what I wanted; also complained of temperature of water.

  May 22.--After