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  BELIEVE YOU ME!

  NINA WILCOX PUTNAM

  AUTHOR OF "ADAM'S GARDEN," "THE IMPOSSIBLE BOY," ETC., ETC.

  NEW YORK

  GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY

  COPYRIGHT, 1919,

  BY GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY

  COPYRIGHT, 1919, BY THE CURTIS PUBLISHING COMPANY

  PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

  TO R. J. S.

  CONTENTS

  CHAPTER PAGE

  I Ladies Enlist 11

  II Pro Bonehead Publico 66

  III Holy Smokes! 125

  IV Anything Once 156

  V Now is the Time 202

  VI The Glad Hand 244

  BELIEVE YOU ME!

  I

  LADIES ENLIST

  I

  I WASN'T going to make no statement about this here affair; and Iwouldn't even yet, only for our publicity man. The day the story leakedhe called me up in the A. M., which is the B. C. of the daytime, andwoke me out of the first perfectly good sleep I'd had since Jim pulledthat stunt and floored me so.

  First off, I wouldn't answer the phone; but Musette stood by me with itin her hand and just made me.

  "For my sake, mademoiselle!" says she, just like she used to in our acton the big time, which we played before I got into the dancing game."For my sake, mademoiselle," she says, "do not refuse to talk with thepublicity man!"

  Well, when I heard who it was I seen some sense in what she says; so Iset up amid my black-and-white-check bed, which--believe you me--is asup to date as my latest drawing-room dance. And I grabbed off the phone.

  "Yes," says I in a fainting voice; "this is Miss La Tour. What is it,please? I'm far from well."

  "Cut out that stuff, Mary!" says a male voice. "This is Roscoe. I wantyou to give out a statement about you and Jim splitting up."

  "I _won't!"_ says I, very sharp. "Whatter yer think I am?" I says."That's nobody's business but our own!"

  "Oh, ain't it, though?" says Roscoe, very sarcastic. "The biggestparlor-dancing outfit in America busts up and you can't be seen, even,for two whole days! The stage at the Royal ain't notified that yourpiece is called off; the De-Luxe Hotel don't get no notice that youain't going to appear; and all the info' I could get when I called upyour flat is that you was gone out!"

  "And so I was!" says I, indignant.

  "Then I call up Jim's hotel and they say he's gone!" shouted Roscoe."Hell!" says he, forgetting that me and the telephone operator both wasladies. "Hell! What kind of way is that to treat a guy you're payingthree thou. a year to for getting your picture in the paper every timeyou sneeze?"

  I didn't have any comeback about that, for there was certainly sometruth in what he says. But I wasn't to be put down so easy.

  "I guess I know my business, Ros," I says, sharp, "or I wouldn't beliving in a swell flat on the Drive, all fixed up like a furniture shop,with a limousine and two fool dogs, and earned every cent of it myself,and no one can say a word against me, if I didn't know my own business.So there!"

  "Looka here, Mary," says Roscoe. "There's going to be a lot of talk upand down the Rialto if you don't come across with some explanation. I'mcomin' right up to get it."

  "No, you don't," I says, for I hadn't had my facial massage in threedays, and, after all, Roscoe is a man, even if press agents ain'texactly human. "No, you don't, Ros!" I says. "If I gotter make somestatement, I'll write the dope myself and you can fix it up after--see?It's a big story, but delicate, and I'm going to have nomisunderstanding over it."

  "All right, Mary," says Ros. "But you get the stuff ready for themorning papers. I'll be up for it."

  Then he hung up and I knew I had to come across. Besides, Ma come injust then; and while I may boss my press agent, and even sometimes mypartner and Musette and the two dogs, Ma sorter gets my goat. Ma had ona elegant rose-silk negligee I give her; and as usual, she had it ruinedby tying a big gingham apron over it, which made her look the size of ahouse, but sort of comforting. She stopped by the bed and set both herhands on her lips--the way she does when she don't mean to be answeredback.

  "Now, Mary Gilligan, you get right up and wash your teeth!" says Ma,"and do your three handsprings and other exercises, decent and proper;and then eat the breakfast I got cooked for you."

  Funny thing, but Ma ain't got a mite of dramatic sense. I just can'tunderstand it, after her having been with the circus so long on thetrapeze, until she got too heavy after I come; and since then in thewardrobe-end of the theater, and all. I ain't never been able to breakher in to none of the refinements of life, either, and she will go intothe kitchen for all I say; and some day I just know she'll call meGilligan in public. And a nice laugh that'll get!

  But, anyhow, I usually do what she says, because Ma is a fine trainer;and--believe you me--I wouldn't be able to hold on to Jim's neck andswing out straight twenty times round, like I do--or did--only for herand her keeping me on the job like she's done. The only other troublewith Ma is, she can't seem to properly understand that it's my artistictemperament which has brought in the cash--that and some good looks, andme realizing that this refined parlor-dancing stuff would go over big.Of course Jim's being able to wear a dress suit like he'd been born init has helped some, even aside from being such a fine partner; whichbrings me back, as they say, to the tale.

  Well, I done my exercise, and so forth, and then I had Musette bring upthe sofa, a elegant gilt one--for we got what Ma calls Looie-the-Head-Waiterstuff in our parlor--to the window, so's I could lay and look dreamilyout over the autos on the Drive to the ships in the river; you know--theGerman ships which have been taking out their naturalization papers, orsomething. And, as I lay there thinking, I come to the conclusion thatif I told about the split I better tell all, including my ownenlistment.

  Oh, how well I can now understand why many men enlist, having beenthrough it all myself! And how then they long to get out, and can't, andrealize that they was boobs! And how they learn that they weren't boobsafter all, once they got used to it! Do you get me?

  Well, anyways, I decided to tell the whole story, which, of course,begun at Ruby Roselle's party.

  I think I don't hardly need to state that I don't generally go with thatRoselle crowd. No acrobatic dancer could and keep her health.And--believe you me--every drawing-room dance act that is worth athousand dollars a week has acrobatics, and good sound acrobatics, asits base. Well! As far as Ruby Roselle and her crowd is concerned, farbe it from me to pass any remarks. But any one in the theatrical linewill tell you that a girl which has made a reputation only on the colorof her hair and is not averse to tights don't have to lead the rigidlife of a first-class A-1 dancer, leaving out all judgments as tocharacter, which are usually wrong anyways.

  But, having said that much, I will only add that I have never gone out alot, and seldom without Ma. And while champagne is not exactly astranger to me, owing to Jim and me always having to have it served withour dinner at the Ritz each night--which any one with sense knows is allpublicity stuff and we never drink it--still, I'm not in favor ofchampagne parties, which they generally end in trouble; and this one ofRuby's was no exception.

  Indeed, I wouldn't of gone in the first place only for us unfortunatelybeing on the same bill at the opening of the Superba Roof, which, ofcourse, being the big midnight show of the year, and the rest of theleads all having accepted, and Ruby being in so strong with themanagement, it would of been bad business policy to refuse.

  When I pointed this out to Jim he couldn't see it at first, owing to menever having gone on such parties; and nobody can say any different,with truth. But the Superba contract was t
he biggest thing we had gotyet. And, coming on top of the twenty minutes in Give Us a Kiss, thetwenty minutes at the De-Luxe Hotel, the net profs. was pretty fair.So, for once, we accepted an invite to one of Ruby's famous blow-outs.

  Ruby Roselle's house was something wonderful, but not to my taste, therebeing too much in it, besides smelling of cologne and incense, which,from her singing Overseas in red-white-and-blue tights, was more or lessto be expected. Also, the clothes on her and the other girls was tooelaborate. My simple little real lace, and my hair, which Musette alwaysdoes so it looks like I done it myself, made them seem like a Hippodromeproduction alongside of a play by this foreigner, Ib-sen--do you get me?I was proud of this; for--believe you me--getting refinement means work,just like any other achievement, and I had modeled myself on Mrs. Pietervan Norden for years, than whom there is surely no one more refined byreputation, though I had never seen her. I could see Jim felt the sameabout all this, and we exchanged a look on it; for, besides beingengaged to be married we was the best of friends when we come in--whenwe come in! Remember that!

  After we said "How do ye do?" to Ruby, I whispered to Jim not tocelebrate too much. He ain't a drinking man if for no other reasons butthose of my own; but just oncet in a while he'd get a little more thanhe should, and this opening night the show had gone awful big. Had hebut heeded me better! Alas! Nothing doing; it was all in vain!

  For description of party see any motion-picture film on Vice. Why wastewords on what is so well known? And--believe you me--this was just likea fillum; and, as I have said, nothing like that for mine, usually. But,even so, we might of got off safe and home without no trouble--only forVon Hoffman and the baby alligator.

  It seems like this here Von Hoffman was stuck on Ruby; in fact, it washim that suggested her singing Overseas in that fierce costume. Also, hegave her the alligator, she having tried to pick on a present hecouldn't possibly get when he wanted to buy her something. But, beingGerman by descent, he had the efficiency to get it, anyways; and therewas the alligator at the party, about fifteen inches long, with a goldcollar and diamonds in the collar--and we at war!

  Well, it seems this alligator hadn't eat since it come; and after Rubyhad a double Bronx and two glasses of champagne the memory of hishunger began to worry her--do you get me? So she had him brought in andset in the middle of the supper table on the orchids at two dollars pereach, which he sat on without moving while the crowd tried everything onhim, from olives to wine, with no success. The alligator seemed a awfulboob, for he just lay there like a stuffed one, which we knew he wasn'ton account of his not having eaten.

  Well, Jim hadn't heeded me. I guess the truth must be told, though,honest, he had took but very little; still, being unused to it, theeffect was greater--do you get me? And pretty soon he and this VonHoffman was kidding each other and that alligator something fierce.

  Now Jim took a hate on this Von Hoffman bird the minute he laid eyes onhim, partly on account of the costume of Ruby, and also on generalprinciples, because of the bird's accent. But, the alligator not movingor nothing, Jim asks if the alligator understands only German.

  "In all probability," says Von Hoffman; "he is a high-class alligator."

  "Then he ought to understand American," says Jim. "He'll have toeventually; why not now?

  "There's nothing to prove that," says the German bird with a sneer. "Hewill probably get along very well as he is, with German only."

  Jim looked mad as a hatter; but instead of taking it out on this VonHoffman, as he had ought to have, he turned on that poor dumb beast.

  "Well," says Jim to the alligator, "here's where you learn somepatriotism."

  And he leaned 'way across the table until his face was only an inch ortwo away from the alligator's. Jim looked that animal straight in theeye and spoke very severe.

  "To hell with Germany!" says Jim.

  And with that the alligator snapped--snapped right onto the end of Jim'snose! Oh, my Gawd, but I yelled! So did Jim--believe you me! And then weall tried to get that fiend of a pro-German alligator off Jim's face.When they succeeded in making him let go you had ought to of seen Jim'snose! It had four holes in it and was bleeding something fierce.

  Oh, may I never live to see such a sight again, let alone having to gothrough what followed! For once I forgot my refinement completely, and Iremember yelling at Jim to kill that German. For if he didn't sick hisalligator onto Jim, who did? And there he stood laughing at Jim for allhe was worth; and Jim never offered to fight him!

  Believe you me, all my sympathy for Jim melted right away when I seen hewasn't doing nothing but stand there holding on to his nose and moaning.

  "I know alligator bites is deadly poison!" He kept saying it over andover again, while Von Hoffman was laughing himself sick.

  "I hope it is poison!" he says. "I hope it is, you jackanapes of anAmerican dancer!"

  At this I walked right up to that Von Hoffman bird.

  "I'll get you for this!" I says. "Somehow I know you're a wrong one, and_I'll_ get you, even if Jim don't want to! I'd enlist to-morrow if I wasa man and get your old Kaiser as well!"

  Then, the next thing I knew, me and Jim was in the limousine, on the wayto the hospital; and Jim was still moaning over being poisoned by thealligator and getting blood all over the place, and the car justrelined and everything! I didn't say a word just then, because, ofcourse, you must stick to a pal in time of immediate trouble--do you getme? But I was boiling mad inside, though worried a little about thepoison. Still, Jim's not hitting that bird, Von Hoffman, was worse to methan death itself.

  At the hospital the chauffeur and me got Jim inside somehow and to adesk in the hall. There was a snappy-looking nurse sitting there with abook, and our coming in at that hour no more worried her than a fly incold weather. She just looked up quiet and spoke--sort of unhospitable.

  "Name of ailment?" she inquired.

  "Alligator bite!" I told her, brief; and I will say this got her goat alittle, because she made me say it twice more before she would believeme.

  Then she directed us down a long hall, and a young guy in a summer suitof white duck stopped reading the newspaper long enough to give Jim'snose the once over.

  "No cause for alarm," says this bird. "The nose will be about twice itsnormal size for a day, that's all!" All! And, as if that wasn't enough,he painted the nose and all round it with some brown stuff, whichstopped the bleeding but made Jim look like he was made up for some sortof comedy act. Jim was perfectly sober by then and quit talking aboutpoison, and etc., and when he was back in the limousine I just letmyself go and bawled him out good and plenty.

  "Now see here, Jim," I says, "I've stuck by you to-night long enough tomake sure you ain't goin' to die or nothin'; and now I'm through!"

  "You been just fine, Mary," says Jim, trying to take my hand. I took itaway quick.

  "You don't get me!" I says. "I mean I'm through for keeps. Theengagement is broken, and everything!"

  "Whatter yer mean--broken?" says Jim, sort of dazed.

  "Just that!" I snapped. "Here you get tight and take a insult from aGerman; and, as if that wasn't enough, you go farther and get bit by apro-German alligator! And you don't even offer to fight the German whoowns the alligator, either! And, what's furthermore, you've got yourface swoll up so's you won't be able to dance to-morrow night; and thatiodine won't wash off; and the act is crabbed in the bud--do you get me?Crabbed! And I'm through--that's all! So don't never come near meagain!"

  Believe you me, Jim tried to make me listen to reason; but I couldn'thear no reason to listen to, and so wouldn't let him say much. Then Jimgot mad and bawled me out for breaking my rule and going on the party,and by the time we got to my place we wasn't speaking at all--not evengood night or good-by forever!

  II

  FOR hours and hours after Ma got me to bed I just lay there thinking andaching and feeling all hot and ashamed and terribly lonesome, and withmy career all ruined because of the Germans--to say nothing of havingbeen obliged to
become disengaged to Jim.

  And then, just as I was nearly crazy wondering how I was to get myself-respect back, I got a swell idea. I would enlist! Ladies could. Iremembered reading a piece in a newspaper some place about yeowomen orsomething. And as soon as I realized that I could serve Uncle Sam andhelp get even with that bird, Von Hoffman, and the Kaiser and thealligator, and lose my personal feelings in public service, I got themost wonderfully easy feeling round my heart and dropped right off tosleep. But when I woke up in the morning it was something fierce, theway I felt. Believe you me, it was just like I had ate Welsh rabbit thenight before, or something--the weight that was on my chest. At first Icouldn't make out just what it was. Then I remembered. I had lost Jim!Of course I hadn't lost him so much as shook him; but it was all thesame, or looked that way in the cold gray dawn of ten A. M.

  Honest to Gawd, I never knew how fond I was of Jim until I woke up thatday and realized he was gone forever! But I wouldn't of phoned him andsay I'd changed my mind--not on a bet I wouldn't. And, anyways, I hadn'tchanged my mind. The evidences begun to pile up against him. I commencedto remember how he had been away on some mysterious trips so manyafternoons for the last four or five months; and maybe with some blonde,for all I knew. And then his going to pieces like that over a merealligator bite, the way he done; and, worst of all, not hitting thatGerman, even though in pain, and crabbing our act by getting bit on thenose.

  The more I thought about it, the worser I felt, laying there inretrospect and negligee. And I couldn't see no way of us ever gettingtogether again--even when he called up and apologized; which, of course,I expected he would do any minute. But he didn't; and by the time Macame in and routed me out of bed I had myself worked up so's I wascrying something terrible, and hating Jim as hard as I could, whichwould of been enough to kill him--only for the pain in my heart forloving him.

  While I ate only a light repast of ham and eggs, and a little marmalade,and etc., Ma made me tell her all; which I done the best way I couldwith crying in between. And then I told her about me having made up mymind to enlist. She was some surprised at that, though not much. Ma,having lived through two circuses and a trapeze act, it is sort of hardto surprise her very much--do you get me? So all Ma says was:

  "Well, Mary Gilligan!" says she. "Can ladies enlist? I had a idea," shesays, "only gentlemen was permitted."

  "No," says I. "I see a piece in the paper where ladies can go in thenavy--yeowomen they call them; a fancy name for a stenographer!"

  "A whole lot too fancy!" says Ma, very prompt. "And no daughter of mine,a decent, respectable girl, is going sailing off on no battleship with alot of sailors--not to mention submarines; not if I know it!" says Ma."So, Mary Gilligan, you may as well put that idea out of your head, letalone you ain't a stenographer and couldn't learn it in a month."

  "Well, Ma," I says, "maybe you're right; and I do get seasick awfulquick. But--oh, Ma! I got to enlist some place. Can't you see the way Ifeel?"

  Ma could.

  "I know!" she says, very sympathetic. "I was the same when your pamissed both the third trapeze and the life net. I would of enlisted whenhe died if there had been a war. And, of course, you feel like Jim wasdead. How about the Red Cross?"

  "Won't do for me," I says, prompt. "I don't see myself sitting around inno shop, with a dust cloth tied over my head, selling tickets. I got todo something active or I'll go bugs!"

  Then Ma had a real idea.

  "How about this here Woman's Automobile Service?" says she. "The one Iread you the piece about? You're a woman and you got a auto."

  "Ma, you're a wonder!" I says. "Look up the address while I get my haton! Tell Musette to call for the limousine; and watch me make a trialfor my new job!"

  So they done like I asked, and I kissed Ma and Musette good-by; also thetwo fool dogs, for I had a sort of feeling like I was going into battlealready.

  "When Jim calls up tell him it's no good--he can't see me," says I, thelast thing. And then I set off in the limousine.

  Well, I'd put on a very simple imported model and a small hat, and onlymy diamond earrings, and a brooch Jim had give me, when we was firstengaged, over my aching heart. I wanted, above all things, to lookrefined; for, even if the U. S. Army isn't always quite that, still,this was a ladies' branch of it. And you know what women canbe--especially in organizations; though I admit I hadn't had muchprevious experience with them, except the White Kittens, which Mainsisted on me keeping up with and contributing to their annual ball,because of she having always belonged. And--believe you me--the scraps Iseen at some of their Execution Committee meetings would make the Battleof the Marne look like a pinochle post-mortem!

  Well, as I was saying, I took no chances on appearances of refinement inthis case, not knowing exactly what class of ladies would be running theWoman's Automobile Service. And, even when I got to their office, ittook me several minutes before I got the right dope on them and theirline--do you get me?

  In the first place, it wasn't at all like the White Kittens'Headquarters, in the Palatial Hotel ball-room. Instead, it was a shop ona swell side street, with two very plain capable-looking dark-greenambulances standing outside. My limousine had to stop next door onaccount of them.

  Well, I got out and walked across and into that shop. And--believe youme--it was the plainest place you ever saw; not even so much as a floweror a rug to give it a womanly touch. But neat! My Gawd! And there wasthree young ladies there, all in the snappiest-looking uniforms you everwant to see--dark green, like the ambulances, with gold on the collar,and caps like the Oversea's Army, and the cutest leggings! My!

  Maybe you think they looked like a chorus? They did not! They was asbusiness-like as English officers. Over in one corner a frowzy-lookinglittle dame was sitting, reading a book. There wasn't no unnecessaryfurniture in the place, and 'way at the back was a door marked CaptainWorth--Private, which seemed funny.

  The minute I come in one of the girls jumped up and says what could shedo for me?

  I seen at once she was a perfect lady.

  "I am Marie La Tour," I says in a very quiet, low-pitched voice, like adrawing-room act.

  "Yes?" says she. "And what can I do for you, Miss--er----"

  "La Tour!" I says again, as patient as possible.

  But it was plain she didn't get me, even the second time, though it's acinch she heard me all right, all right. But the name simply didn't meannothing in her young life. Was I surprised? I was! Of course if I hadsaid "I am Mrs. Vernon Castle," and she didn't know who it was, Iwouldn't of got such a jolt. But Marie La Tour! Well, there's ignoranceeven among the educated, and I realized this and didn't try to wise herup any. After all, I was not out for publicity, but for serving mycountry. Besides, I had heard right along that the army was full ofdemocracy; and, of course, this was some of it.

  "Well," I says, "I would like to enlist. My heart is broken, but full ofpatriotism, and this seemed a good place to come."

  "Good!" says this young lady, which I had noticed by this time she had alieutenant's uniform on her, but not by any means intending she was gladmy heart was broken. "Good!" she says. "Sit down and let me tell youabout our organization."

  "Is it the regular army?" I asked.

  "Not yet," says she; "but we hope we will eventually get officialrecognition. We are already used by the Government for dispatch andambulance service and as escorts and drivers for officers and members ofthe various departments; also, as government inspectors. So you see itis a very live work."

  "And it's a awfully pretty costume," I says; "so snappy."

  "The uniform is only the outward sign of what we are doing," says MissLieutenant. "You have a car?"

  "Outside," I says; "eight-thousand dollars, and all paid for. You canhave it if it's any good to you. Ma always prefers the street caranyways."

  "Thank you; that is splendid!" says the lady officer, very pleasant, butnot exactly excited over my offer--which was some offer at that.

  She took out a slip of paper and begu
n filling in some blanks on it.

  First, the make of the car, and then the answers to the questions sheshot at me.

  "Can we have it at a moment's notice?" she said. "Yes? Good! Is it new?In good condition? Do you loan or give it?"

  "Give!" I says, brief. "I am not going to be a piker to Uncle Sam."

  At this the lady lieutenant actually came out of her shell enough togive me a smile.

  "That's the spirit!" she says. "We sometimes have as many as twentyoffers of cars a day. But, as a rule, they are half-time loans. Can youdrive?"

  "Drive a horse?" says I.

  "No, no," says the kid, serious again, "a car, of course!"

  "Why, no," says I, feeling sort of cheap. "Isn't there anything else Ican do?"

  "Plenty," she says, cheerfully; "but you will have to learn to drive,first of all. You must have a chauffeur's license, a doctor'scertificate of health, two letters of recommendation from prominentcitizens as to your loyalty and general character, and a graduate'scertificate from a technical automobile school."

  "Anything else?" I says, sort of faint.

  "Well, of course, you will have to take the nursing and first-aid courseat St. Timothy's Hospital," she says, "and the regular U. S. Infantrydrill. But that's about all."

  "Do I have to learn all that stuff before I can come in?" I asked,feeling about as small as when I had my first try-out on the big timecircuit.

  "Oh, no," says Miss Lieutenant; "you can sign your application rightaway if you like. Then you can come in immediately and start rookiedrill and the first-aid work with the service while you are getting yourtechnical training."

  Believe you me, my breath was about taken away by all this stuff. Idon't really know now just what I did expect when I first come intothat shop, but I guess I had a sort of idea they'd give me a big welcomeand I'd get a costume of some sort; and, after that--well, I don'treally know. I certainly never expected what they handed me. But I wasgame.

  "When can I commence all this?" I says.

  "When do you want to?" says Miss Lieutenant.

  "To-day," I says firmly. At this Miss Lieutenant actually smiled again.

  "Good!" says she. "The minute you bring me that health certificate andthose letters of recommendation I'll sign you up and you can start in atthe Automobile Training School. To-morrow morning is the time at St.Timothy's Hospital and to-morrow afternoon is rookie drill."

  "And when is the auto school?" I says.

  "Every afternoon," she says.

  "Then," says I, "I'll get them letters and the certificate here by noon.And if you O. K. them I'll just start in this P. M.--if it's all thesame to you."

  "Good!" says Miss Lieutenant, evidently not displeased, yet determinedto show no emotion.

  Then she got up, indicating that our business was over, clicked herheels together like a regular officer, and made a stiff little bow. Oh,wasn't she professional, just!

  "Well, I'll be back," I says, and started to go. "I'm sure I can geteverything but the technical stuff; and I'll get that if I die of it!"

  III

  AND--believe you me--I had no idea how near true them words was when Iuttered them. I was almost at the door when the frowzy little dame inthe corner, which I had forgotten she was there, come over and touchedme on the arm.

  "I beg your pardon, my dear," she says; "but I want to tell you I thinkyour spirit is fine. And don't let any fear of the technical coursedeter you. Even I was able to do it."

  Was I surprised? I was! But she seemed very sweet and kind, though sounnoticeable; so I just says thanks, and then--believe you me--startedout on some rush!

  First of all, I hustled up to old Doc Al's place, which Ma and me hashim for a doctor; though Gawd knows there ain't never a blessed thingthe matter with our healths. Still, since her trapeze days Ma hasalways felt that emergencies do happen. Well, of course, he give me aperfect certificate in less than ten minutes' time, and I was off to seeGoldringer, head of the dancing trust; and him and his partner,Kingston, each give me a elegant letter of recommendation, than which Icould scarcely of got letters from any more prominent citizens--unless,maybe, Pres. Wilson.

  Well, anyways, I took all three recommends down to the young ladylieutenant, and there all was the same. Well, it was still lacking fiveto twelve when I come in, and Miss Lieutenant looked quite somesurprised, though she tried not to. The letters and the doc'scertificate was O. K.; and the first thing you know, I was signed up andgiven three passes. One for the auto school for two o'clock that same P.M.; one for the hospital, calling for me to be on hand for rehearsal ofthe nursing act at nine o'clock next morning. The third was also a callfor rehearsal--a outdoor drill in the park at three P. M. next day. Itlooked like I was going to have a busy life.

  "Well," I says, "would you like the car now?" I says. "I can walk homejust as good as not."

  "No, thanks," says Miss Lieutenant. "We will call upon you for it whenit is needed."

  Believe you me, I was grateful for that, because I ain't used tohustling round in the early morning, and I had hustled some this time.So I climbed in and says "Home, James!" and dropped in on the seat andwas carried uptown for lunch.

  While on the way I got the first chance I'd had all morning to thinkabout Jim, and to wonder what he had said when he phoned to apologize.And did the ache come back in my heart when I got thinking of him? Itdid! I felt almost sick with lonesomeness by the time I got to the flat.And whatter you think? Jim hadn't phoned at all! Not a peep out of him!

  At first I thought there must be some mistake; but after I'd rowed withthe operator in the hall, and with Ma and Musette both, I come torealize that the split between me and Jim was real--that we was off eachother sure enough. And it was not so surprising that a man which didn'thit a German whose alligator had bit him wouldn't know how to treat alady!

  But somehow Jim's being so mean about not phoning perked me up a lot andgive me courage to think of going into that auto school. I hadcommenced to be awful doubtful about it; but Jim's neglect, togetherwith the lunch Ma had fixed, set me up a lot. And by one-thirty by mywrist watch, and a quarter to two by the mantel-piece clock, I had thestrength to struggle into a _demitallieur,_ which is French for anylady's suit costing over sixty dollars, and get to the auto school bythe time the lady lieutenant had told them to expect me.

  Oh, that auto school! The torture chambers of this here Castle ofChillon has nothing on it and--believe you me--the first set of tools aperson going into it needs is a manicure set. The next thing they needis a good memory, the kind which can get a twelve-hundred-line partovernight; which no dancer can nor is ever supposed to!

  One thing I will say for that school, though--they was not such aill-informed lot as the Automobile Service. From the very minute I setfoot inside the place they knew who I was, and the manager give me thepick of half a dozen young fellows who was just filled with patrioticlonging to help me qualify for the service.

  After giving them the once over I finally decided on one lean-lookingbird, who seemed married, and quiet, and likely to teach me somethingabout the insides of an auto, instead of asking me questions about thesteps of the Teatime Tango Trot, and did I feel the same in my make-up?

  Well, the first thing this bird asks me is do I know anything about acar? And I says, know what? And he says, well, can I name the parts of acar? And I says, yes; and he says for me to name them. So I says color,lining, flower holder, clock, speaking tube and chauffeur.

  Well, the bird says so far correct; but that wasn't enough, and heguessed we better begin at the more fundamental parts and would I juststep inside?

  Well, it seems this auto school undertakes to teach you everything abouta car from the paint on the body to the appendix, or magneto, as it iscalled, in twenty lessons; which is like trying to teach the TeatimeTango Trot, with three hand-springs and twenty whirls round yourpartner's neck, by mail for five dollars. Which is to say it can't bedone.

  First off, the instructor hands you a bunch of yellow papers wi
th a lotof typewriting on them--twenty sheets in all, or one per lesson, andall you got to do is learn them good and then put into practice what youlearn; and after that what you can't do to a car would fill a book!

  Well, after you grab this sheaf of stage bank notes you look at numberone and follow the bird that's teaching you round the room while hereels it off. I guess the idea of you holding the paper is to check himup if he makes a mistake. Anyways, this bird let me in among a flock ofbusted-looking pieces of machinery and begun talking fast. At first, Ididn't get him at all; but when I got sort of used to it I realized hewas saying something like this:

  "The crank shaft is a steel drop-forging having arms extending fromcenter of shaft according to number of cylinders. It is used to changethe reciprocating movement of the piston into a rotary motion of theflywheel; it has a starting handle at one end and the flywheel at theother, as you observe. We will now pass on to the exhaust manifold,which is generally constructed of cast iron; it conducts the burnedgases from the exhaust valve . . ."

  "Hold on!" I says. "Exhaust is right! I'm exhausted this minute. If youdon't mind I'd like to sit down and talk sense, instead of listening toa phonograph monologue in a foreign language."

  The instructor bird seemed sort of winded by this; but he got a coupleof chairs and pretty soon we was sitting in a quiet corner talking likewe'd both been on the same circuit for five years.

  "Now listen here, brother," I says real earnest; "I want to learn thisstuff, and learn it right! And I want you to stick by me and see methrough, same as you would any male man that come in here to learn to bea chauffeur. Now take it easy and make me get it, and I'll play squareand do my best to understand, without no nonsense."

  "Say, you bet I will, Miss La Tour!" says this bird, who, married ornot, had some spirit in him yet. "You bet I will! You see, a lot ofdames come in here just because they ain't got nothing else to do. Andyou yourself must realize that a guy can only go through the motionswhen that's all they want."

  Well, I could see that plain enough, and from then on we got along likea new team of partners with equal money in the act and going big onthirty straight weeks' booking. And--believe you me--there is a awfullot of interesting things about a auto; only you would never suspect ituntil you start to look at what is under the hood and body. As tounderstanding them all, you couldn't get it all off of no twenty sheetsof yellow paper, nor twenty hundred, either! It's a career, reallyunderstanding a machine is; just the same as being a expert dancer. Theguy that invented all them parts and got them working together certainlymust of set up nights doing it.

  Well, anyways, after two hours of lapping up this dope I got so's Icould actually tell the cam shaft from the crank shaft and thedifference between a cycle and a cylinder, which was enough for one day.And then I rode home to Ma.

  Actually I had almost forgot to be miserable about Jim for two wholehours! But when I got home, and he hadn't phoned to apologize yet, itall came back over me, and I simply felt that, automobiles andenlistments or no, I wanted to die--just die! I cried so bad that evenMa couldn't make me mind, and I was so tired I couldn't even taste thehot cakes she had fixed. I do believe Ma would think of cookingsomething tasty if the world was coming to a end the next minute. She'dbe afraid the recording angel would need a sandwich and a cup of hotcoffee to keep him going while he was on the job.

  But, anyways, they couldn't do nothing to me, or get me to go to theRitz or the theater much less the midnight show; but the last did notmatter, because I was wore out and asleep long before. And so Ma had totelephone that Miss La Tour was suddenly ill and unable to appear. Imade her swear not to phone Jim nor let him in nor Roscoe, the publicityman, if they was to come--not on no account. And so I slept--poorchild!--worn by the tossing of the cruel ocean of life--do you get me?

  Well, next morning I was up long before Musette, and would of beenobliged to dress unaided, only for Ma never having got used to sleepinglate, partly on account of her always taking a nap just after thematinee performance when with the circus, and still continuing thehabit. So Ma give me my coffee and a big kiss, and promised not to tellJim nothing if he telephoned and I set off to be at the hospital at nineA. M., according to orders from Miss Lieutenant.

  Well, there has always been something about a hospital I didn't care formuch; not that I have went to many--only the night Jim got bit by thealligator; and once, when me and Jim was first engaged, he had a dogwhich we had to take to the dog hospital. But--believe you me--this St.Timothy's Hospital, was quite different from the dog hospital. It was awhole lot more like a swell hotel, with porters and bell boys and clerksand elevators, and everything except a cafe, as far as I could make out;and I'm not sure about that, but I don't suppose they had it.

  I was so scared of being late that I was a little early and had to waitin a office. Pretty soon two or three other rookies come in; and, beingladies, of course we didn't dare to speak to each other at first. Andthen the ladies of the Automobile Service commenced coming in, wearingtheir uniforms. And were they a fine-looking lot? They were! I sure didwish I had a right to that costume; and I had a feeling that my heartwouldn't hurt near so bad, even when thinking of Jim, once it wasbeating under that snappy-looking uniform coat in Uncle Sam'sservice--do you get me?

  Well, about this time we were let go upstairs in one of them regularhotel elevators, the rookies still scared, the regular members in goodstanding talking among theirselves, though several spoke to me nice andfriendly; in particular, the little frowzy one which had been readingthe book the day before in the office, but wasn't at all sloppy in heruniform.

  Believe you me, I had a awful funny feeling in the middle of my stomachgoing up in that elevator, and not for the same reason as theMetropolitan Tower or any of them tall buildings, either. It was becauseof not knowing what was ahead of me and preparing for the worst. AfterI'd seen the kind of stuff them lady soldiers had to learn in the autoshop, it seemed like about anything might be expected of them in a merehospital. So I got myself all braced up so's if I had to cut off a leg,or extract a tooth or anything, I'd be able to go to it and not bat aneye-lash--not outwardly, anyway.

  But things is seldom as bad as you figure in advance--not evenfirst-night performances. And the stuff which was actually put up to uswas simple as a ordinary one-step. At least, it looked so from adistance. By distance I mean this: When the nursing instructor--a ladyin a white dress, with the darndest-looking little soubrette cap stuck'way on the back of her head--when she stood up in front of the lot ofus and put a Velpeau bandage--which is French for sling, I guess, andlooks it--on one of the lady soldiers who was acting as mannequin, why,it looked easy.

  While she was putting it on she handed us a line of talk something likethat bird at the auto school, only not so fluent. And when she gotthrough it was up to the rest of us to put the Velpeau bandages on eachother. Gawd knows it was no cinch.

  First, I set down, and a girl in uniform asked could she wrap me up.Well, it just naturally rumpled my Georgette blouse; but what's a blouseto a patriot? I let her go to it, and she done it so good and so quickthat it was all over before I knew it, as the dentist says; and then itwas up to me. Somebody give me a nice new roll of bandage and told me toget a model.

  Well, I didn't have the nerve to ask any one, me being so new and thename Marie La Tour not meaning anything to nobody here. And so here wasme standing round like a fool, not knowing how to commence, when upcomes that lady--her which had been so sloppy reading a book in theoffice.

  "Can't I be your model?" she offered, and--believe you me--I could ofalmost cried, I was so glad to have somebody take notice of me.

  I liked that dame more each time I seen her; she sure was refined. Evenher sloppiness was refined--do you get me?

  Well, as to real work, that sheaf of yellow papers up to the auto schoolhad nothing on the bandaging game when it come to understanding itproperly. Believe you me, that bandage had a will of its own, and theonly way to make it mind would of been to step on it and
kill it. Butafter a little I managed to tie up the lady pretty good, and before Iwas done I had my mind made up that Musette had lost her regular job andwas going to be a bandage mannequin from that P. M. on until I got thehang of the thing.

  Well, when the scramble of putting on the bandage was over and past, wewas told that after we got on to the theory we'd be sent down to theCharity Ward for two solid weeks and practice what we'd learned.

  Well, I thought, if I ever get there Gawd help the charity patients! Iguess the two weeks won't qualify me for the Auto Service. More likelyI'll be ready for the Battalion of Death, or whatever they call themRussian women!

  Well, when the bandages was all gathered up we was dismissed, as theycall it, and told to report for drill in a certain place in the park, itbeing a fine day.

  I must say I didn't think a whole lot of the hospital end of the game,because it wasn't pleasant. Of course I had no intention to quit in anyway, but it sort of depressed me, what with all that sickness going onround me and the talk about wounds and bandages. And so my mind wasn'ttook off Jim, like it was by the auto work, me having a heart whichneeded a little bandaging--only that can't be done, of course.

  IV

  WELL, on the way home I cried some more. And well I might. For when Igot there had Jim phoned? He had not! Nobody but Goldringer, themanager, and Roscoe, the publicity man, and a few unimportant nuts likethat, and some of the newspapers. Ma had stalled them off pretty good bysaying it was impossible to disturb me.

  And it seems these people hadn't been able to locate Jim anywheres,either. At first that sounded sort of funny to me; but when I come tothink it over I realized about his nose, where the alligator had bit himand the doctor had put on the brown stuff, from which he wouldn'tnaturally care to be seen--only no one could say that it would preventhim using the phone, which I also realized.

  Well, after I eat a little liver and bacon, and so on, which Ma hadfixed for me, and cried some, which made me feel better again, I startedout for drill; which means that now comes the real important part ofwhat happened and the true measure of the tale, as the poet says.

  Well, it seems we rookies--and I must pause to mention that I don't likethat word rookies; it sounds like something that would get the hookamateur nights. Well, as I was saying, we rookies was told to report atthree o'clock for a private drill, all of our very own. But I was on tothe fact that the regular members in good standing would be there aheadof us to do well what we was about to do badly. So I thought I would goearly and sit out in front, or whatever was the same thing, and try andget a line on how it was done.

  Believe you me, there ain't many steps I can't get by seeing them doneonce; and if I was to of gone up to the Palace and watch Castle, or Rockand White, or any one of them, when I come away I could do the stepsthey pulled as good as if I had invented them!

  Well, this was my idea in going up and seeing the ladies drill. So thereI was at the park bright and early on a fine sunny afternoon, with theladies all in uniform. But I wasn't in any too much time, for I'd nosooner got there than a big roughneck of a feller--a regular U. S. drillsergeant, I found out after--come up and yelled: "Fall in!" Just as rudeas any stage director I ever seen! But the ladies didn't seem to mind abit. They didn't fall into nothing though; they just hustled into lineand stood there.

  "Ten-shun!" says the feller. And they all stood like a chorus when thestage manager is telling them he is going to quit the show if they don'tlearn no better, and they're a bunch of fatheads, and he's going to getthem fired. In other words, they stood perfectly still.

  Well, after that it was something grand, what those ladies did. I willsay that when I come down to the park that afternoon I thought maybe I'dsee some pretty fair chorus work; you know--formations, and etc. Butthis was no chorus work, it was soldiering. I never seen anything neaterin my life. Was it snappy? It was! And when I thought how that bunch ofladies knew all about autos from soup to nuts, and about bandages, andetc., believe you me--that drill was the finishing touch.

  For once in my life, I was anxious to be in the chorus, even in the backline. But not forever--not much! Believe you me, I made up my mind that,once I was really in it, I was going to work for a speaking part like Inever worked before. And meantime I started in that direction by tryingto figure out just what the ladies did when the stage manager--I mean,officer--hollered at them. And--believe you me--I had theturn-on-the-heel and push-off-with-the-toe idea on that right-and-leftface stuff long before the regular members in good standing wasdismissed and we lady rookies was called.

  Well, the same roughneck which had drilled the others had us simpswished on to him; and the first thing he done was to get us in a row--you couldn't properly call it a line--and then stand out in front andlook at us sort of hopeless and discouraged, like a good director whichhas just finished with a bunch of old-timers and is starting with greenmaterial for the back row. Then he commenced talking.

  Well, while this bird was getting off a line of talk about us now beingsoldiers of the U. S. A. and that being no joke to him or us, and etc.,and etc., but no instructions in it, I let my mind wander just a little,on account of me having enlisted for deeper reasons than any hementioned and him quite incapable of strengthening them.

  And while my mind wandered this little bit, and I was thinking how funnyit felt to be back in the chorus--do you get me?--I happened to take alook at the houses facing the park. And--believe you me--I got a jolt,for there we was standing right opposite Ruby Rosalie's house!

  Well, I was that astonished to realize it you could of knocked me overwith a sudden noise! Up to then I had been so interested in the otherladies and what they was doing I hadn't even noticed it.

  And then, before I could really commence to think what a awful thing itwould be if Ruby was to look out of the window and see me standingthere, and think I was just in some chorus, and maybe that nasty VonHoffman with her, and the both of them laughing their fool heads off,the officer says "Ten-shun!" he says. And, of course, I tenshuned,because of me being anxious to get everything he said when it come toinstruction, and get it right.

  Well, he told us a lot of dope on one thing at a time after he had gotus in line, with the tallest at the right hand, which was me. And hetold us very simple and then made us do it; and no camouflage,because--believe you me--he could spot any lady which done it wrongquick as a flash.

  I will say he didn't have a whole lot of trouble with me, partly onaccount of me having had similar work before, and also my feet taking tonew things so easy. But it took me about ten minutes to see that mypatent Oxfords, with the Looie heels, was never going to do for thiswork. Though I hate to say it, the other ladies sure did bother him alot. They couldn't seem to mind quick enough. And he had a lot oftrouble making them keep at attention.

  Every time we'd be that way, just to show what I mean, the lady next tome would forget and powder her nose. Oh, that wasn't no new sight to me!I seen worse in my day until they get used to it. But did that officerget mad? He did!

  "Whatter ye think ye're at?" he yells. "A pink tea? Cut that stuff now!Attention is attention and youse is standing at it," he says. "The worstcrime youse can commit is move without permission."

  And--believe you me--I sympathized with him, I did, little knowing whatI was about to do next my ownself.

  Alas, that in ladies obedience comes so much harder than following out aimpulse! For the officer had no sooner uttered them words, and I agreedwith him, than I went back on him something terrible.

  It was this way: As I explained, we was drilling in the park, and notalone in the park but also opposite Ruby Roselle's house. Well, ofcourse, we was drilling on a open piece of grass, but at one side ofthis here grass was fancy bushes; you know--hedges and what not. And me,being on the end of the line, was nearest them bushes.

  Well, as the sergeant was speaking I seen something move under one ofthem bushes; and, as Heaven is my witness, there was that pro-Germanalligator which had bit Jim on the nose and started all my troub
les.There he was, walking very slowly, gold-and-diamond collar and all, andby his lone self, with nobody to protect him!

  Well, I never stopped to think or salute, or ask nothing of nobody. AllI knew for the time was that that damn alligator had somehow got out onhis own, and that this was the chance of a lifetime. So, without moreado, I fell right out of attention and rushed over and reached into thebushes and grabbed the alligator by the tail.

  Well, the officer hollered something at me, I don't know what, and allthe ladies commenced screaming. And was I scared of that alligator? Iwas! But I held him up by the tail, and it didn't take me two minutes tofind out that he couldn't bite me that way; and then my scare was gone.

  I felt so good about getting him I didn't even care much what was beingsaid at me by the drill sergeant. I just stood there holding tight tothe alligator's tail and grinning all over myself. But up come MissLieutenant, who had been watching our drill--the one which had signed meup--and she was as mad as a hornet, only having a awful time trying notto laugh.

  "What's this?" she says, indignant.

  Fortunately the alligator was in my left hand; so I saluted.

  "Enemy alien alligator!" I says.

  "Dismissed from the ranks!" she says. "And report to Sergeant Warner atHeadquarters at five o'clock."

  Gee, but that made me feel bad! But she wouldn't listen to noexplanations at all, and there was nothing for me to do except walk offto where the limousine was waiting. And, in a way, I was glad, becausesuppose Ruby had of looked out and saw the alligator in my hand! Icouldn't of got away with him.

  As things went, I got him safe into the limousine. And--believe youme--I didn't dare set him down for a minute for fear of his trying toget even with me; and so I was obliged to hold him at arm's length untilwe got home, which it is a good thing that it wasn't very far.

  Well, when we got home you ought to of seen the elevator boys get out ofthe way! I walked in holding on to the alligator; and once I got to theflat there was Ma sitting in the Looie-the-Head-Waiter drawing-room,reading a cook-book. When she seen what I had I must say that for onceshe acted kind of surprised.

  Of course, she ain't usually surprised, not after her having twice seensudden death in the center ring, and the circus went on just the same.But alligators coming in unexpected is rather out of the usual. So Mamarked her place at sauces for fish, and took off her glasses so's shecould see good, and give me the kind of stare she used to hand out whenI got dirt on my Sunday-school dress.

  "Why, Mary Gilligan!" she says. "For the land's sakes, where did you getthat?"

  "Caught it on the wing!" I says, very sarcastic, on account of my armbeing nearly broke. "Can you cook it for supper?" I says.

  "Well," she says. "I guess I can. What is it? A mock turtle?"

  "It's a pro-German alligator," I says. "And if you'll just kindly helpme instead of standing there staring at it, we'll intern it some placeso's I can leave my arm get a rest."

  Well, we certainly had a fierce time finding something to put him in,owing to us not being able to agree about what kind of a place hebelonged. Ma was all for the goldfish bowl, claiming it was his nativeelement; and Musette, who come in, thought the canary cage was better.But, realizing he couldn't jump very high, I had them get a big hat-box,and set him in that.

  "And now what are you going to do with him?" says Ma as we all stood'round looking at him; and my two fool dogs barking their heads off onaccount of a mistaken idea they had that he was a new pet. "What are yougoing to do with him?" says Ma.

  "Unless you cook him, I don't know," I says--"except for one thing: I'mgoing to take that gold-and-diamond collar offen that brute and sell itand give the money to the American Red Cross; and I'm going to do itnow!"

  Believe you me, I was mad at that alligator! And no wonder! Just lookat all the trouble he made me! So I didn't waste any time getting actionagainst him. First off, I persuaded Ma, who was real brave, to hold aice pick down on his nose good and firm, so's he couldn't open his face.Then I managed, after a lot of trouble, to get that bejeweled sinfulcollar off his neck. And was it a swell collar? It was!

  As soon as I had it off we just left that alligator interned in thehat-box and looked the collar over good. It was made all of a piece andthe jewels were certainly wonderful. I know quite a lot about them, meand Ma always having invested that way when we had a little extra cash.

  Well, as we was looking the stones over carefully, I happened to rub onewhich was close to the snap, sort of sideways, and right off somethinghappened: That there collar parted--yes, sir; parted!--the lining fromthe outside, and in the place between the setting and the inside framewas a couple of thin slips of paper!

  Well--believe you me--it didn't take me long to get the idea; not afterhaving a father and a mother which had been in the circus and had tothink quick, and me having been associated with dramatic stuff all mylife--do you get me? You do!

  What with that collar having come off a alligator which I was alreadyconvinced was a pro-German, and knowing Von Hoffman had give it to RubyRoselle, and got her to sing Overseas in that nasty costume made out ofthe national colors, which should never be done, I seen everythingclear. Von Hoffman had a German job of some kind!

  And when I unfolded those papers and seen they was full of funny littlemarks like a stenographer makes and then can't read, I realized that Ihad happened in on it; and so will any intelligent public.

  Well, was Ma and Musette full of questions? They was! But I didn't waitto answer none of them; for I realized, also, that it was almost fiveo'clock, and I was supposed to report at Headquarters for a bawling-outat that time. And, after me having broken the rules once, I had no wishto do it again so soon.

  Well, I just grabbed up the collar and the papers, and a clean pair ofgloves, as the alligator had completely ruined what I had, and, havingon my hat, waited not to explain, but made a dash for the street. Andby a big piece of luck there was the limousine, still standing outsideon account of I having forgot to tell John to go. Well, I told him"Headquarters!" and off we started; and I got there just on the dot offive o'clock.

  Well, Miss Lieutenant was there, and a Miss Sergeant--the one I wasreporting to--and that frowzy-looking lady I have spoke of before, andseveral other ladies, still in their uniforms. And while I wasexplaining, in comes the captain, which she certainly is a smart woman.And they all listened while I reported and told the whole story aboutRuby and me and Jim and Von Hoffman and the alligator. Then I salutedand handed over said collar and papers in evidence; and then the captainspoke up:

  "This material, which is undoubtedly in a foreign code, will be ofinterest to the Secret Service," she says. "This Von Hoffman is probablyone of those persons who are active in the obviously deliberate effortto cheapen and degrade the quality of our patriotism," she says; "for Ihave heard that is part of the German propaganda here."

  "Private La Tour, in view of the unusual circumstances, you are excusedfor your action in leaving ranks without permission," she says; "butnext time remember to get your salute recognized," she says--"even underextreme conditions."

  Then she went on, and she says:

  "I understand you have given your car," she says. "Some member inuniform will take this evidence downtown in Private La Tour's car," shesays, "which we now accept for the service."

  Then she walked into her office, which said Private on it, and closedthe door; and I watched one of the ladies in uniform go away, with thecollar and the papers, in my limousine.

  And after she had went I got a terrible scare, for it come over me allof a sudden that I hadn't even a nickel change on me to buy car farehome!

  Well, just as I was standing there wondering how I was going to hoof itafter the trying day I had had, that frowzy lady comes up to me, realkind, like she could almost see what I was thinking of; and she says:

  "May I take you home in my car, Miss La Tour?" she says. "I have seenyou dance so often that I feel as though I knew you. I am Mrs. Pietervan Norden."

&n
bsp; Just get that, will you, will you? Her that I had been modeling myselfon for refinement for years! And--would you believe it?--on the way homeshe told me she had been trying to dance like me since the first timeshe seen me!

  Well--believe you me--I felt so good over this, and over having got thegoods on Von Hoffman, and about being excused for making that bad breakat drill, and not getting fired out of the Automobile Service, that Ionly commenced feeling bad about Jim and me again after Mrs. Van Nordenhad left me at the door of my place, and I was going up in the elevator.

  As I was letting myself in with my key I got so low in my mind againthat I felt I would just die if Jim hadn't phoned; and I knew he hadn't,for I'd given up hope. Well, I opened the door and went in. And then Igot another shock; for right in the middle of the drawing-room stoodJim.

  Well, first off, I didn't know him on account of him being in khaki; butwhen he turned around I nearly died for sure! But I didn't actually die.What I done is nobody's business but mine and Jim's. But I will say itwas a second lieutenant-of-aviation uniform; and they show powder on theshoulder something terrible.

  And he had been studying for months; and that's where he was everyafternoon, and not out with some blonde, and wouldn't tell me for fearhe wouldn't get it!

  And I'm going to dance alone at night until he comes back, and all daydrive a truck or something to release a man. And that's the whole insidestory of the split, which is now readily seen is not a fight at all, atleast not yet for we got married at once.

  So, only one thing more: Regarding that alligator, Ma decided he wouldbe too hard to cook. So Jim took him to camp for a mascot, and by thetime he got through there he learned to understand American--believe youme!