A Mixed Proposal Read online

  Produced by David Widger

  THE LADY OF THE BARGE

  AND OTHER STORIES

  By W. W. Jacobs

  A MIXED PROPOSAL

  Major Brill, late of the Fenshire Volununteers, stood in front of thesmall piece of glass in the hatstand, and with a firm and experiencedhand gave his new silk hat a slight tilt over the right eye. Then hetook his cane and a new pair of gloves, and with a military but squeakytread, passed out into the road. It was a glorious day in early autumn,and the soft English landscape was looking its best, but despite the factthat there was nothing more alarming in sight than a few cows on thehillside a mile away, the Major paused at his gate, and his face took onan appearance of the greatest courage and resolution before proceeding.The road was dusty and quiet, except for the children playing at cottagedoors, and so hot that the Major, heedless of the fact that he could notreplace the hat at exactly the same angle, stood in the shade of a treewhile he removed it and mopped his heated brow.

  He proceeded on his way more leisurely, overtaking, despite his lack ofspeed, another man who was walking still more slowly in the shade of thehedge.

  "Fine day, Halibut," he said, briskly; "fine day."

  "Beautiful," said the other, making no attempt to keep pace with him.

  "Country wants rain, though," cried the Major over his shoulder.

  Halibut assented, and walking slowly on, wondered vaguely what gaudycolor it was that had attracted his eye. It dawned on him at length thatit must be the Major's tie, and he suddenly quickened his pace, by nomeans reassured as the man of war also quickened his.

  "Halloa, Brill!" he cried. "Half a moment."

  The Major stopped and waited for his friend; Halibut eyed the tieuneasily--it was fearfully and wonderfully made--but said nothing.

  "Well?" said the Major, somewhat sharply.

  "Oh--I was going to ask you, Brill--Confound it! I've forgotten what Iwas going to say now. I daresay I shall soon think of it. You're not ina hurry?"

  "Well, I am, rather," said Brill. "Fact is-- Is my hat on straight,Halibut?"

  The other assuring him that it was, the Major paused in his career, andgripping the brim with both hands, deliberately tilted it over the righteye again.

  "You were saying--" said Halibut, regarding this manoeuvre with secretdisapproval.

  "Yes," murmured the Major, "I was saying. Well, I don't mind telling anold friend like you, Halibut, though it is a profound secret. Makes merather particular about my dress just now. Women notice these things.I'm--sha'nt get much sympathy from a confirmed old bachelor like you--butI'm on my way to put a very momentous question."

  "The devil you are!" said the other, blankly.

  "Sir!" said the astonished Major.

  "Not Mrs. Riddel?" said Halibut.

  "Certainly, sir," said the Major, stiffly. "Why not?"

  "Only that I am going on the same errand," said the confirmed bachelor,with desperate calmness.

  The Major looked at him, and for the first time noticed an unusualneatness and dressiness in his friend's attire. His collar was higherthan usual; his tie, of the whitest and finest silk, bore a pin he neverremembered to have seen before; and for the first time since he had knownhim, the Major, with a strange sinking at the heart, saw that he worespats.

  "This is extraordinary," he said, briefly. "Well, good-day, Halibut.Can't stop."

  "Good-day," said the other.

  The Major quickened his pace and shot ahead, and keeping in the shade ofthe hedge, ground his teeth as the civilian on the other side of the roadslowly, but surely, gained on him.

  It became exciting. The Major was handicapped by his upright bearing andshort military stride; the other, a simple child of the city, bentforward, swinging his arms and taking immense strides. At a by-lane theypicked up three small boys, who, trotting in their rear, made it evidentby their remarks that they considered themselves the privilegedspectators of a foot-race. The Major could stand it no longer, and witha cut of his cane at the foremost boy, softly called a halt.

  "Well," said Halibut, stopping.

  The man's manner was suspicious, not to say offensive, and the other hadmuch ado to speak him fair.

  "This is ridiculous," he said, trying to smile. "We can't walk in andpropose in a duet. One of us must go to-day and the other to-morrow."

  "Certainly," said Halibut; "that'll be the best plan."

  "So childish," said the Major, with a careless laugh, "two fellowswalking in hot and tired and proposing to her."

  "Absurd," replied Halibut, and both men eyed each other carefully.

  "So, if I'm unsuccessful, old chap," said the Major, in a voice which hestrove to render natural and easy, "I will come straight back to yourplace and let you know, so as not to keep you in suspense."

  "You're very good," said Halibut, with some emotion; "but I think I'lltake to-day, because I have every reason to believe that I have got oneof my bilious attacks coming on to-morrow."

  "Pooh! fancy, my dear fellow," said the Major, heartily; "I never saw youlook better in my life."

  "That's one of the chief signs," replied Halibut, shaking his head. "I'mafraid I must go to-day."

  "I really cannot waive my right on account of your bilious attack," saidthe Major haughtily.

  "Your right?" said Halibut, with spirit.

  "My right!" repeated the other. "I should have been there before you ifyou had not stopped me in the first place."

  "But I started first," said Halibut.

  "Prove it," exclaimed the Major, warmly.

  The other shrugged his shoulders.

  "I shall certainly not give way," he said, calmly. "This is a matter inwhich my whole future is concerned. It seems very odd, not to sayinconvenient, that you should have chosen the same day as myself, Brill,for such an errand--very odd."

  "It's quite an accident," asseverated the Major; "as a matter of fact,Halibut, I nearly went yesterday. That alone gives me, I think, someclaim to precedence."

  "Just so," said Halibut, slowly; "it constitutes an excellent claim."

  The Major regarded him with moistening eyes. This was generous andnoble. His opinion of Halibut rose. "And now you have been so frankwith me," said the latter, "it is only fair that you should know Istarted out with the same intention three days ago and found her out.So far as claims go, I think mine leads."

  "Pure matter of opinion," said the disgusted Major; "it really seems asthough we want an arbitrator. Well, we'll have to make our calltogether, I suppose, but I'll take care not to give you any opportunity,Halibut, so don't cherish any delusions on that point. Even you wouldn'thave the hardihood to propose before a third party, I should think; butif you do, I give you fair warning that I shall begin, too."

  "This is most unseemly," said Halibut. "We'd better both go home andleave it for another day."

  "When do you propose going, then?" asked the Major.

  "Really, I haven't made up my mind," replied the other.

  The Major shrugged his shoulders.

  "It won't do, Halibut," he said, grimly; "it won't do. I'm too old asoldier to be caught that way."

  There was a long pause. The Major mopped his brow again. "I've got it,"he said at last.

  Halibut looked at him curiously.

  "We must play for first proposal," said the Major, firmly. "We're prettyevenly matched."

  "Chess?" gasped the other, a whole world of protest in his tones.

  "Chess," repeated the Major.

  "It is hardly respectful," demurred Halibut. "What do you think the ladywould do if she heard of it?"

  "Laugh," replied the Major, with conviction.

  "I believe she would," said the other, brightening. "I believe shewould." />
  "You agree, then?"

  "With conditions."

  "Conditions?" repeated the Major.

  "One game," said Halibut, speaking very slowly and distinctly; "and ifthe winner is refused, the loser not to propose until he gives himpermission."

  "What the deuce for?" inquired the other, suspiciously.

  "Suppose I win," replied Halibut, with suspicious glibness, "and was soupset that I had one of my bilious attacks come on, where