Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, Volume II Read online

  FREDERICK WILLIAM SHELTON

  INCIDENTS IN A RETIRED LIFE

  Last year I had a solitary peach upon a solitary tree, for the earlyfrost frustrated the delicious crop. This only one, which, from itsgolden color, might be entitled El Dorado, I watched with fear andtrembling from day to day, patiently waiting for the identical timewhen I should buoy it up carefully in my hand, that its pulp shouldnot be bruised, tear off its thin peel, admonished that the time hadcome by a gradual releasing of the fruit from its adhesion to thestem, and I appointed the next day for the ceremonial of plucking.The morrow dawned, as bright a day as ever dawned upon the earth, andon a near approach I found it still there, and said, with chucklinggratification, "There is some delicacy in thieves." Alas! on reachingit, somebody had taken a large bite out of the ripest cheek, but with asacrilegious witticism had left it sticking to the stem. The detestableprints of the teeth which bit it were still in it, and a wasp wasgloating at its core. Had he taken the whole peach I should have ventedmy feelings in a violence of indignation unsuited to a balmy garden.But as he was joker enough to bite only its sunny side, I must forgivehim, as one who has some element of salvation in his character, becausehe is disposed to look at the bright side of things. What is a peach?A mere globe of succulent and delicious pulp, which I would rather bedeprived of than cultivate bad feelings, even toward thieves. Whereveryou find rogues whose deeds involve a saline element of wit, make upyour mind that they are no rogues.--_Up the River._

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  This morning the Shanghai hen laid another egg, of a rich brunettecomplexion, which we took away, and replaced by a common vulgar egg,intending to reserve the Shanghai's in a cool place until the timeof incubation. Very much amused was I with the sequel. The proud andhaughty superiority of the breed manifested itself by detecting thecheat and resenting the insult. Shang and Eng flew at the suppositiousegg with the utmost indignation and picked it to pieces, scratching theremnants of the shell from the nest.... There is one peculiarity ofthese fowls which deserves to be mentioned. When I removed mine fromthe basket I thought that the worthy donor had clipped their wingsto prevent them from flying away or scaling the hennery. On furtherknowledge I have learned that their style and fashion is that of thejacket-sleeve and bobtail coat. Their eminent domesticity is clearlysignified by this, because they cannot get over an ordinary fence, andwould not if they could. It is because they have no disposition todo this, that Nature has cropped them of their superfluous wings andgiven them a plumage suitable to their desires. "Their sober wishesnever learn to stray." They often come into the kitchen, but never goabroad to associate with common fowls, but remain at home in dignifiedretirement. Another thing remarkable and quite renowned about this isthe Oriental courtesy and politeness of the cock. If you throw a pieceof bread, he waits till the hen helps herself first, and often carriesit to her in his own beak. The feathered people in the East, and those_not_ feathered, are far superior to ours in those elaborate anddelightful forms of manner which add a charm and zest to life. This hasbeen from the days of Abraham until now. There are no common people inthese realms. All are polite, and the very roosters illustrate the bestprinciples laid down in any book of etiquette. _Book of Etiquette!_What is conventionalism without the inborn sense? Can any man or beastbe taught to be mechanically polite? Not at all--not at all!...

  I have received a present of a pair of Cochin Chinas, a superb cockand a dun-colored hen. I put them with my other fowls in the cellar,to protect them for a short time from the severity of the weather. MyShanghai rooster had for several nights been housed up; for on oneoccasion, when the cold was snapping, he was discovered under the leeof a stone wall, standing on one leg, taking no notice of the approachof any one, and nearly gone. When brought in, he backed up againstthe red-hot kitchen stove, and burned his tail off. Before this he hadno feathers in the rear to speak of, and now he is bobtailed indeed.Anne sewed upon him a jacket of carpet, and put him in a tea-box forthe night; and it was ludicrous on the next morning to see him liftingup his head above the square prison-box and crowing lustily to greetthe day. But before breakfast time he had a dreadful fit. He retreatedagainst the wall, he fell upon his side, he kicked, and he "carriedon"; but when the carpet was taken off he came to himself, and ate cornwith a voracious appetite. His indisposition was, no doubt, occasionedby a rush of blood to the head from the tightness of the bandages. WhenShanghai and Cochin met together in the cellar, they enacted in thatdusky hole all the barbarities of a profane cockpit. I heard a sound asif from the tumbling of barrels, followed by a dull, thumping noise,like spirit-rappings, and went below, where the first object which metmy eye was a mouse creeping along the beam out of an excavation in mypineapple cheese. As for the fowls, instead of salutation after therespectful manner of their country--which is expressed thus: Shangknocks knees to Cochin, bows three times, touches the ground, and makesobeisance--they were engaged in a bloody fight, unworthy of celestialpoultry. With their heads down, eyes flashing, and red as vipers, andwith a feathery frill or ruffle about their necks, they were leapingat each other, to see who should hold dominion over the ash-heap. Itput me exactly in mind of two Scythians or two Greeks in America, whereeach wished to be considered the only Scythian or only Greek in thecountry. A contest or emulation is at all times highly animating andfull of zest, whether two scholars write, two athletes strive, twoboilers strain, or two cocks fight. Every lazy dog in the vicinity isimmediately at hand. I looked on until I saw the Shanghai's peepersdarkened, and his comb streaming with blood. These birds contended forsome days after for preeminence on the lawn, and no flinching could beobserved on either part, although the Shanghai was by one-third thesmaller of the two. At last the latter was thoroughly mortified; hiseyes wavered and wandered vaguely, as he stood opposite the foe; heturned tail and ran. From that moment he became the veriest coward,and submitted to every indignity without attempting to resist. Hesuffered himself to be chased about the lawn, fled from the Indianmeal, and was almost starved. Such submission on his part at lastresulted in peace, and the two rivals walked side by side withoutfighting, and ate together, with a mutual concession, of the corn.This, in turn, engendered a degree of presumption on the part of theShanghai cock; and one day, when the dew sparkled and the sun shonepeculiarly bright, he so far forgot himself as to ascend a hillock andventure on a tolerably triumphant crow. It showed a lack of judgment;his cock-a-doodle-doo proved fatal. Scarcely had he done so, whenCochin China rushed upon him, tore out his feathers, and flogged himso severely that it was doubtful whether he would remain with us.Now, alas! he presents a sad spectacle: his comb frozen off, his tailburned off, and his head knocked to a jelly. While the corn jinglesin the throats of his compeers when they eagerly snap it, as if theywere eating from a pile of shilling pieces or fi'-penny bits, he standsaloof and grubs in the ground. How changed!--_Up the River._

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  A clergyman was very anxious to introduce some hymn-books into thechurch, and arranged with his clerk that the latter was to give outthe notice immediately after the sermon. The clerk, however, had anotice of his own to give out with reference to the baptism of infants.Accordingly, at the close of the sermon he arose and announced that"All those who have children whom they wish to have baptized pleasesend in their names at once to the clerk." The clergyman, who was stonedeaf, assumed that the clerk was giving out the hymn-book notice, andimmediately rose and said: "And I should say, for the benefit of thosewho haven't any, that they may be obtained at the vestry any day fromthree to four o'clock; the ordinary little ones at one shilling each,and special ones with red backs at one shilling and fourpence."