Believe You Me! Read online

  Next morning I wouldn't even look at the papers which was Sunday andfull of our and the division's pictures. And Monday was worse, becauseeven although Jim might be alive none of the hospitals nor yet themorgue had him, and so I commenced to think he had gone back on me. Atelegram come from the coast saying "Great Sunday story bring Roscocontract follows," but what did I care for that stuff without Jim? Mawas very silent all this time, and kept in her room a lot, with the doorshut. And then late Monday afternoon the door-bell rung, and my heartleaped to my feet like it had done at every tinkle for 48 hours, and Iwent myself, but it was only Ruby Roselle and Mr. Mulvaney of theWelcome Home Committee with her! The men that girl knows! Well, shesees them in another light than I and it's a good thing all tastes don'trun the same. But this was such a surprise I asked them in before Ithought and pretty near forgot my own troubles for a minute.

  Ruby cuddled down into her kolinsky wrap and give me the fish-eye, asshe addressed me in her own sweet way as a woman to her best enemy.

  "Dearie," she says, tucking in a imaginary curl. "Dear, Johnnie here wasover to my flat and we got speaking of you by accident, and he's anxiousto know where's the money he gave you, and why no decorations as wasintended?"

  "Yes, Miss La Tour," says the old bird, which it was plain she had madea even more perfect fool of him than he had been before. "Yes, Miss LaTour, it's a serious thing," he says. "I understand you didn't reallycall even one meeting and as for decorations--!! Well, what can you tellus?"

  Well, I told him how I come to think of what I thought of, and the jobswhich I had 319 of and the notes and all, and while I talked I couldsee plain enough that I was getting in worse every minute, because theyhad come determined to find me guilty, and no matter what I said, itwould of listened queer with them two pairs of glassy eyes on me.

  "I had a hunch," I wound up, "that maybe something a little substantialwould be welcome," I says, "because after all a person can't live onplaster arches and paper flowers, and three hundred and nineteen jobsought to take care of a considerable percent of the ones that need it,"I says. "And so while your arches are all right," I says, "you mustadmit they are principally for show."

  When I got through Mr. Mulvaney cleared his throat and didn't seem toknow just how to go on; but Ruby give him an eye, and so he cleared histhroat again and changed back to her side.

  "This is all _most_ irregular," he says very dignified. "Most irregular.You will certainly have to appear before the general committee and givethem an accounting. What you have done amounts to a misuse ofpublic-funds!"

  My Gawd, I nearly fainted at that! But before I could say a word avoice spoke up from the doorway.

  "Like hell it does!" says Jim, which that dear kid had left himself inwith his key and listened to the whole business. "Like hell it's amisuse!" he says, coming into the room and putting his arm around me."You just let the public and the soldiers take their choice! Give allthe facts to all the newspapers and we will furnish the photographsfree! Go to it! Get busy! And--get out!"

  Well, they got, and what happened then I will not go into because thereare things even a self-centered woman won't put on paper! Poor Jim, andhim back in camp to get deloused and demobilized and his tooth-brush,and a few parting words of appreciation and etc, these past 48 hourswhich it seems is the rule for all soldiers, and I suppose they did needthe rest after that parade before taking up domestic life once more.

  Well, anyways, that afternoon late, while him and me was thoroughlyenjoying our joint contract and the Sunday spreads with our pictures andall, in walks Ma with her hat and dolman on and a suit-case in one hand,and 'Frisco, the he-snake in his box, in the other hand.

  "For the love of Mike, Ma Gilligan, where are you going to?" I says,looking at her idly.

  "I'm leaving you forever!" says Ma, in a deep voice.

  "Leaving us? Whatter you mean, leaving us?" I says, taking notice and myhead off Jim's shoulder.

  "I'm going back to work," says Ma. "I'm not going to be dependent on youno longer," she says, "nor a burden in my old age," she says. "And nowthat you got Jim back I shall only be in the way, so good-by, Gawd blessyou!"

  "Why, Ma Gilligan!" I yells, jumping to my feet. "How you talk! Besideswhat on earth do you think you could do?"

  "Oh, I got a job," she flashes, proudly. "I'm going back to the circus!"

  Believe you me, that pretty near had me floored.

  "The circus!" I says. "What nonsense! Why a trapezer has to be half yourage to say nothing of weight!"

  "I'm not going on no trapeze at my years!" says Ma. "I'm going back asFat Lady. One hundred a week and expenses!"

  All of a sudden I realized the full meaning of them doughnuts and cocoaand etc she had eat these past months. She had been deliberatelytraining and as usual was successful. I sprung to my feet and hungaround Ma's neck like a ten-year-old.

  "Oh Ma!" I says. "Don't! Please don't go back! Whatever would we dowithout you?" I says. And Jim added his entreaties.

  "Why, Ma Gilligan, what bally rot!" he says, which it's quite noticeablethe amount of English he's picked up over there. "What a silly ass youare, old dear!" he says. "Here we are going to California and who wouldcook for us if not you?" he says, "with the cook-question like it is outthere?"

  Well, that weakened Ma considerable, for cooking is her middle name. Soshe set down the suit-case.

  "Ma!" I begged her. "We _couldn't_ have too much of you, and you wouldnever be in the way or a burden no matter what the scales say. Forheaven's sake take off that hat, it's too young for you, and burden uswith the first home cooking Jim has had in two years!"

  Well, she give in at that, and sat down the snake and her dolman andpocket-book.

  "Well, all right then!" she says. "I'll stay!" Which is about all theemotion Ma ever shows. "Whew, but it's hot in here!" she says and turnsto open the window and we left her do it, because we seen she didn'twant us to notice her tears. And as she opened it she gives a shriek andleans way over, grabbing at something. And hardly had she yelled thanfrom below come a holler and a flow of language the like of which I hadnever heard, no, not even at the studio when something went wrong! ThenMa commenced to laugh something hysterical and pulled herself back inthrough the window and leaned against the side of it, hollering her headoff.

  "What is it?" I says.

  "It's Maude!" gasps Ma. "She was shut under the winder and when I openedit she fell out and lit on Rudie's head which was sitting rightunderneath."

  Well, we could hardly hear her for the noise in the kitchen. Thedumb-waiter was buzzing like all possessed. I and Jim rushed out andthere, lickety-split, come the dumb-waiter only it was more inarticulatethan dumb by then, and on it the case of Old Home lacking only threequarts.

  "I find your whiskey, Miss La Tour!" says Rudie's voice, very weak andshagy from below. "I chust find him and send him right away, quick!"

  "Thanks old dear!" chortled Jim. "Come up and have a drink on me!"

  "No tanks!" yelled Rudie. "I'm leaving this blace right now foreffer!"

  Well, we should worry! I turned to Jim, a big load off my mind.

  "Jim," I says solemnly. "There is the three hundred and twentieth job!"

  THE END

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  Transcriber's note:

  Varied spelling, hyphenation and dialect is as in the original.