Mr. Punch's Golf Stories Read online

preggerdiced skoolmaster,'as ever dared to call 'Enery Wilks a fool. I took 'er meaning in amoment, and I touched me cap, quiet and konfident like. "Mike yer mindeasy, mum," I ses in my korteous way. "It shall be done, this very day,if 'Enery Wilks is spared," I ses.

  She nods and smiles and slips a bob into me 'and, and then old Giggsfinishes wurrying abart 'is clubs and we makes a start. The old 'un'ands 'is card to me to keep, and I speaks to 'im, kind like but firm.

  "I'll keep the score, sir," I ses. "Don't yer wurry abart yer strokes atall. What you've got to do is to koncentrite yer mind upon yer gime. Forwe're a-goin to do it to-day," I ses. 'E 'ears me wif a little sorrerfulsmile, and I lived up to them remarks. 'E'd arsk me at the end of an'ole, that 'e'd fairly bitten along, 'ow many 'e'd taken, but I wouldnever tell 'im. I jest kep 'im upon 'is legs wif kindly, jerdishouspraise. Even after that 'ole where 'e'd strook me wif 'is ball from thedrive, although standing well be'ind 'im, and been in each bunker twiceor more, I give 'im a word of 'ope. It was niblick play and 'ope allrarnd the blooming course. And at the end, when I added up 'is card,strike me pink if 'is score weren't an 'undred and twenty-nine! And Isent 'im 'ome to 'is wife, as pleased as any child. There's some, Idessay, as would 'ave made 'is score an 'undred and nineteen or evenless, but 'Enery Wilks 'as allus known the virtew of modderation.

  * * * * *

  _Caddie (visiting)._ "What kind o' player is he?"

  _Caddie (engaged)._ "_'Im?_ He just plays as if it was for pleesure!"]

  * * * * *

  _McFoozler (after a steady sequence of misses)._

  "Ah--er--is there a _limit_ for these links?"]

  * * * * *

  _Policeman._ "Where did you get that bag?"

  _Bill Sykes_ (_indignantly_). "There you are! Nice thing, in a freecountry, that a man can't have a quiet hundred up without the policeinterfering!"]

  * * * * *

  Jones has recently taken up golf. He is already proficient in onedepartment--the art of addressing the ball.]

  * * * * *

  II.

  There's some as takes their golf too seerius fer their strength, likethat pore old Mister Giggington, of 'oom I've told yer, and there's someas don't take it seerius enuff. Under this 'eading I places Mister'Erminius Brellett. 'E's what they call a litterry cove in privit life,and, wifout wishing to be undoolly 'arsh, I must say as I beleeves it of'im. Strike me pink, if I didn't know as 'e was litterry, I should goaway sometimes after 'earing 'im talk, and swear a hinfer-mashun ofloonacy agin 'im! But Chawley Martin, one of our caddies, 'oo once spokequite hintermate and friendly like wif a reporter feller, in connecshunwif a biking accerdent caused by Chawley's unforchernate pashun fertrick riding, ses as 'ow all these pore riters is alike. So you and meshould only pitty them. As fer 'is golf, exsentrick ain't the word ferit. 'E stands wif both 'is feet quite klose together, springs 'igh intothe air wif a tremenjus swing, and strikes the ball afore 'e comes toearth agin. The erstonishing thing is that 'e does strike it abart oncein three, and when 'e does it goes like old Gewillikins. It just showsas there ain't no rules abart some peeple's golf. But the sad part is as'e's quite proud of 'is stile, insted of laberring to kerrect it undermy tewishun.

  "Keep your head still" is the first rule in golf, and Binks meansto do so.]

  "I'm a mishonnery, a pyoneer of golf, 'Enery," 'e ses to me quiterecent. "'Ow I plays it to-day, the rest of the silly 'ide-boundcreetures will play it to-morrow," 'e ses.

  "Let's 'ope not, sir," I ses, quite respeckfull and reely meaning thewords; fer, if yer think of it, a course full of Mister 'ErminiusBrelletts would be an 'iddeous sight. 'E glared at me fer a moment quitedangerous, and then 'e began to larf. What wif 'is livver, at which 'e'sallus cussing, and 'is kurious 'arf-irriterble, 'arf-manniackal temper,I can tell yer 'e takes some 'andling. But 'Enery Wilks knows 'is'Erminius Brellett by this time.

  "Your one chawnce of fime, you retched child," 'e ses, and I found 'isstile of speaking jest a little gorling, "will rest on the fact that youkarried the clubs of 'Erminius Brellett, pyoneer of golf andunerpreshiated riter of himmortal books," 'e ses. Well, yer can't arguewif a man like that. Yer can only yumour 'im by respeckful silence, andbe reddy all the time to dodge if 'is manyer turns 'ommersidal all of asudden.

  'E took on Mister Washer the other day, a member 'oom both 'e and I 'avelittle liking fer. At least, I can arnser fer meself. Fer 'e's one ofyour pompus, strutting sort of fellers, 'oo thinks 'e's good at golf,but ain't. I 'eard 'im chalenge Mister Brellett to play a rarnd fer'arf-a-crown, and a less skilful stoodent of yuman nachure than 'EneryWilks could 'ave told as they didn't love each other. I 'ad a privittuppence on the match meself, wif old Washer's caddy, although not very'opeful. 'Owever, when 'Enery Wilks' money is down, as the sying is,'e's 'ard to beat.

  But things went badly wif us from the start. I could see as 'ow MisterBrellett was wurried abart somethink, and in addition to that 'e wasacktaly trying to play a keerful, sientifick gime. Oh, lumme, it wasorful, I can tell yer! We was skarcely touching a ball, and old Washer,as pleesed as a turkey-kock but far less hornimental, was playing rightabove 'isself. Fer a man like meself, 'oo'd staked above 'is means, itwas 'art-breaking. We lost five 'oles bang orf, and then MisterBrellett spoke 'arf to me and 'arf to 'isself as we walked to the sixthtee.

  "It's all that cussed nime!" 'e ses. "If I could only think of that, I'dbe orlright. A female nime fer a kerrecter in my new book. 'Enery,what's the nime of your yung woman?" 'e ses, joking like. Well, loveain't much in my line, me ambishuns not letting me 'amper meself wifwimmen, but still a feller 'as to keep 'is 'and in. I won't say as I'aven't been more run after than most, but some'ow that ain't one of mytemptashuns. 'Owever, more to pleese 'er than meself, I lets one ofthem, jest a school kiddy, walk out wif me at times. She means well, Ido believe, but I've allus reckoned as 'ow 'er nime's agin 'er.

  "Hervangeline's 'er nime, Mister Brellett," I ses, deprerkating like."But she can't 'elp it," I ses.

  "By Jewpiter!" 'e 'owls. "Hervangeline's the very nime I've been 'untingfor. And now I'll win this match!" 'e ses.

  "You'll win it orlright, sir," I ses, ernest like. "But, for 'evin'ssake, stop playing sientifick! Play the old gime as you're pyoneer on,sir," I ses.

  "I beleeve as 'ow you're right, 'Enery," 'e ses, thoughtful like; andthen we come to the tee and watched old Washer drive 'is yusualstraight, shortish ball. Then Mister Brellett grips 'is club, takes 'isyusual wicked, himmoril stance, springs 'igh into the air wif an'arf-styfled yell, and, by Gewillikins, drives sich a ball as the pro.'isself might 'ave been proud on! It knocked the kowardly 'art out ofold Washer, did that tremenjus drive; and 'e's a man as only plays 'isbest when 'e's winning easy. They 'ad a narsty lead, but we stuck to 'emlike wax, 'itting a turriffick ball once out of three, or even oftener,and we won at last quite 'andsomely by three and two.

  I remember as I bought bull's-eyes fer Hervangeline wif that 'eretuppence, becos in a meshure, as you may say, she'd 'ad an 'and in thewinning of it. 'Owever, wif a jenerosity unyusual in wimmen, shehinsisted on sharing 'em wif 'Enery Wilks, 'oos skilful leedership 'adreely won the match.

  * * * * *

  _Short-sighted Old Lady_ (_to little Binks, who is going to thegolf-links_). "How much will you charge me to mend this umbrella?"]

  * * * * *

  TRIALS OF A NOVICE.--"_Something_ must be wrong. That's the third timerunning I've used this club!"]

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  ! ! ! !

  _Lily_ (_from Devonshire, on a visit to her Scotch Cousin Margy