Mr. Punch's Golf Stories Read online

in St.Andrews, N.B._). "What a strange thing fashion is, Margy! Fancy a gamelike golf reaching up as far north as this!"]

  * * * * *

  THE HANDY CADDY

  _Why Jones sold his Big St. Bernard and substituted a Tame Caribou,which a friend brought him home from Canada._

  IT WAS SO HANDY WHEN GOING OUT GOLFING.

  IT MADE SUCH A CAPITAL CADDY.

  AND JONES COULD INDULGE IN EXPLETIVES WITHOUT BEING A BAD EXAMPLE

  IF THE WEATHER SUDDENLY TURNED OFF COLD HE HAD ONLY TO HELP HIMSELF TO ATOP COAT;

  & IF IT RAINED TO AN UMBRELLA AND SOU'WESTER.

  ALSO IT GAVE QUITE A PARK-LIKE APPEARANCE TO JONES' BACK GARDEN.]

  * * * * *

  III.

  Taking it all in all, 'Enery Wilks 'as very little use for wimmen.Excep, of course, as playthings and rellaxashuns after toil. As sich Iregards Hervangerline, of 'oom I've told yer. That is, when 'er mood isdosile. At sich times, when she is not trying to be yumourous orutherwise acting the goat, the child can listen, wif doo respekt, whilst'im she loves so well unbends 'isself. It is 'er privviledge to see'Enery Wilks remove 'is stern cold marsk. Yuss, I tolleratesHervangerline, but I 'ave little use fer uther wimmen.

  Speaking quite frenkly, I can find little to kommend in the hexeckertiveof these 'ere links, but there is one of their resent hinnervashuns inpertickler that fills me wif cold rage. This is the rule permitting lidymembers to play on the course, excep' on Satterday and Sunday.

  Lord knows as 'ow the men is bad enuff to deal wif. 'Eadstrong, vain,irriterble and pig-'eaded they mostly is, but oh! strike me pink andpurple, if they ain't fair angels, wings and all, kompared to thosedredfull, onreasoningable wimmen! Onreasoningable is the one word as Ican use to deskribe them. And that don't do 'em justise.

  Wif a man, to some eggstent, you do know where you are. You do know fromeggsperiense 'ow fur you may go wif 'im, before 'e katches you a clumpon the side of the 'ead. But wif wimmen no eggsperiense will 'elp yer.Becos there ain't no rules abart them.

  Lord knows as 'ow I started out wif the idear of pleesing 'em. I ses toHervangerline, the evening I 'eard abart it, "We're going to 'ave lidieson the course, kid," I ses. "Your 'Enery will 'ave to smarten 'isself upa bit fer their dear sakes," I ses. Womanlike she begun to snif.

  "You take care, 'Enery Wilks," she ses worningly. "You take care of themdesining 'ussies. There's many of 'em as will be after you, I knows itwell. Fer some wimmen," she ses, sort of sarkastic, "some wimmen will goafter anythink in trarsers," she ses. Well, I wears nickers meself as ageneral rule, but I knowed what she meant. And, though of course I 'idit from her, pertending to be kontemptewous, I found 'er words quitepleesing. I thort to meself, komplasent like, as 'ow some of these lidymembers might show a prefferrence fer that one of our caddies as ispollished and korteous and older than 'is years. But, apparriently, bothI and Hervangerline was rong--iddeously rong.

  Fer it's no good konseeling from meself, at anyrate, as 'ow I 'aven'tbeen a komplete success so fur wif our lidy members. Why sich should bethe case I cannot tell, but there it is. There's a preggerdise agin meas is kep' alive by the ontiring, revengfull tungs of Miss TrigsieKornish and Missis Jossephus 'Askins. And this is 'ow that preggerdisebegun.

  They come along one morning and say as 'ow they're going to play ararnd, and they'll share a caddy between them. And to my ondying greefthey picked on 'Enery Wilks. Not as there was anythink surprising intheir doing that. In their place I'd 'ave picked on 'im meself. And I'mbound in justise to say as there was nothing in _their_ appeerance toset me agin them. Missis 'Askins is very yung and plessant-looking,although she _is_ married, and Miss Kornish is darkish and carries'erself wif a sort of swing. No, their looks was rite enuff; it was onlytheir dredfull 'abit of cheating as made the trubble.

  They started as frendly as love-birds, but by the second 'ole the furwas beginning to stand up stiff upon their backs. It was their orfulonguvernabul keenness as did it. On the third green Missis 'Askins asksMiss Kornish 'ow many she's played, and she tells 'er, nine, quite brisklike. Now both Misses 'Askins and meself _knew_ quite well as'ow Miss Kornish 'ad played ten; indeed, I could see as ow Misses'Askins thort it were eleven. They rangles a bit abart it, growinggradewally more 'eated, and then Misses 'Askins erpeals to me, and Igives it in 'er favour, trying very 'ard to rap it up plessant like.Miss Kornish glares at me like a cat 'oom you've mannidged to 'it wif abrick whilst it's taking a stroll quite inercent and leshurely; but shedoesn't say much and we goes on.

  Two 'oles later it all 'appens agin, only this time it's Missis 'Askins'oo 'as kondescended to redooce 'er score. They rages rarnd upon thegreen, and then Miss Kornish erpeals to me, and truth kompels me toerward the 'ole to 'er. This time it's Missis 'Askins 'oo glarnces at meas though she'd like to cut orf my yung life. But 'Enery Wilks can standa lot of that.

  So we goes on agin, wif the air growing 'eavier like, and three 'oleslater they both erpeals to me, fer both is cheating. It was an 'ardposishun fer a yung feller as is only wishfull to pleese. 'Owever, Idesided to give pore old Truth another chawnce; although misdoubtfull.So I ses to them quite respeckfull like, as 'ow both their scores isinakkerite and should I keep them both in fuchure?

  Oh Lumme, I'd like to forgit what 'appened then! All in a moment thosetwo young wimmen grew frendly agin to each other and konsentrited alltheir rage and spite on 'Enery Wilks. They fell upon me wif their tungs,and I felt as though I was being 'it wif barbed wire and nettels. Theycalled me "impudent little boy," me the chosin 'ero of the yungercaddies, and I could only garsp and trimble. Their crewel threttsbrought tears even to my proud eyes, and I almost beleeve as 'ow Igrovvellel before them. It 'urts me to remember it.

  When at last they 'ad tired themselves out, they finished their rarnd asthough they 'ad never 'ad an unkind thort towards each other, and Islunk be'ind them, dased and silent, like a puppy 'oos been kicked.

  And that's--that's what comes of edmitting wimmen to a golf corse!

  * * * * *

  "THE BOGEY COMPETITION"]

  * * * * *

  _Little Albert_ (_always thirsting for knowledge_)."Uncle, do they pronounce that rico_chay_ing or rico_chet_ting?"]

  * * * * *

  1. "Carry your clubs, guvnor, for sixpence!"

  "No, thanks, I don't require a caddie."

  2. "Carry yer clubs for fourpence, boss!"

  "Go away, boy, I'll carry 'em myself."

  3. "Carry 'em for thrippence, mister"

  (no response).

  4. A smash!

  5. (_After the smash_).

  "I say, captain, I'll carry _your_ clubs for nothin', _jist for the fun of the thing_!"]

  * * * * *

  MR. PUNCH'S PATENT CADDIE CAR]

  * * * * *

  Golf is now being played on the Norman Coast]

  * * * * *

  Golf is being played very much in Egypt]

  * * * * *

  A NEW DISEASE--THE GOLF TWIST]

  * * * * *

  The above caddie (in the course of his third round with Colonel Foozle,who always takes out a collection of two dozen clubs, if only for thelook of the thing) begins to doubt if he, the caddie, really belongs tothe idle classes, as stated in the papers.]

  * * * * *

  "HOW'S THAT, UMPIRE?"

  _Golf Player._ "Now then, what are you grinning at, boy? Don't you knowwhere the ball is?"

  _Caddie._ "Yus, sir, I know, sir. Please, sir, that there dun cow 'veswallered it!"]

  * * * * *

  SCENE--_Country Police Court_

  _Magistrate._ "My boy, do you fully realise the nature of an oath?"

>   _Boy._ "Well, I oughter, considerin' the times I've caddied for yer!"]

  * * * * *

  _Miggs and Griggs, who have got away for a week-end holiday, havestrayed on to the golf links, and have been watching the colonel, whohas been bunkered for the last ten minutes--and the language!!_

  _Miggs._ "What's he doing?"

  _Griggs._ "I dunno. Think he's trying to kill something."]

  IV.

  Yumin nachure is a kurius thing. I dunno whether this thort 'as okkurredto other peeple, but I sees the truth of it more clearly every day. Youmay studdy a man fer weeks and think as 'ow you know 'im inside out, andthen, when you try to make some use of 'is pecooliarities, they ain'tworking that day, or else some little hannoying trifle spiles your welllade skeems. Sich was the sad case of Mister Hoctavius Glenwistle and myfriend Chawley Martin.

  Mister Glenwistle is an oldish jentleman now, but in 'is day 'e 'as beena famus eggsplorer. Jeograffy never being my strong point, I dunnoegsackly where 'e went eggsploring, or why 'e did it. Chawley Martin,'oo's jenerally 'is caddie, is my hinformant, and some days 'e will 'aveit that Mister Glenwistle would once 'ave reached the Pole if 'is boots'adn't guv out, and at other times 'e hinsists that it was Africer that'e visited. I dunno, meself; per'aps the old jentleman 'as been to boththem regins in 'is time. But any'ow all is agreed that once 'e lived fornearly three weeks upon an oldish poodle dawg--which is an orfullthort.

  Sich an eggspeerience must leeve its mark upon any man, 'owever strong.It 'as left its mark upon Mister Hoctavius Glenwistle. Every blade of'air 'as vannished from 'is skalp, and 'is face is a sort of dark brickcolour wif light eyebrows. 'E still suffers from sunstroke, and ChawleyMartin 'as to carry a large red umbereller round the links to pertect'is 'ead.

  I dunno whether it's the sunstroke, or whether it's 'is ondying remorcefor that pore faithfull poodle, but Mister Glenwistle suffers terriblefrom absentmindedness. 'E 'as been known to swing up 'is great, redumbereller upon the tee and try to drive wif that, and Chawley Martinallus 'as to watch 'im keerfull to see what 'e'll be up to next. 'E'ates to be disturbed when in one of 'is mooning fits, and is apt toswear terrible in some forrin' langwidge, which Chawley thinks isEskimo; but still 'e's a jentleman all over, is Mister HoctaviusGlenwistle. 'Is tips is 'andsome, and it don't give 'im no pleshure torepport an 'armless lad.

  One Sunday lately 'e came down wif a frend for an 'ole day's golf.Chawley Martin, as yusual, was 'is caddie, and I ondertook themanidgement of the frend. All went well in the morning, excep' thatMister Glenwistle fell into a sort of dream upon the seventh green and'ad to be rarsed by Chawley. It may 'ave been Eskimo that 'e spoke tothe boy when 'e'd touched 'im jently on the arm, but it soundedwuss--much wuss.

  'Owever, we comes back at one to the club-'ouse, red umbereller and all,like _Robbinson Crewso_, and they goes into lunch. Whilst they're stilllaying into the grub like winking, I and Chawley Martin, 'aving eatenour own frugil meal, sit down near the 'club-'ouse and begin to polishup their clubs. We fell a-talking about the great science of golf,getting quite 'eated in a little while, and at last Chawley, toillerstrate 'is own mistakin theery, gets upon 'is 'ind legs. 'E takesMister Glenwistle's best driver from 'is bag and shows me what 'e calls"a full swing, wif every ounce of weight and rist and mussel crammedinto it."

  I was afeard 'ow it would be. The length of the club mastered 'im. 'E'it the onoffending turf a crewel blow, and there was a narsty crack. 'Esits down beside me wif a garsp, and we looks at Mister Glenwistle's petdriver wif the 'ead 'arf off.

  "What's to be done, 'Enery?" 'e ses, after a sort of sickly pawse.

  Fer my part I'd been thinking 'ard, me brain being better than most.

  "There's three courses open to you, Chawley, me lad," I ses quietly."You can do a guy at once, and not come back--that's one; or you cantell Mister G. as you've been fooling wif 'is clubs--that's another," Ises, and waited fer 'is risponse.

  "Let's 'ear the third," he ses gloomily.

  "Deceat is aborrent to my nachure," I ses. "But you're made diferent,Chawley. You could make use of 'is absentmindedness and let 'im think as'e broke it 'isself. 'Old it out to 'im wif a sort of winning smile,when 'e comes, and say as 'ow you're afrade it will 'ave to be mendedafter all. It's a fair sportin' chawnce," I ses.

  "'Enery, you're a fair marvel!" 'e ses, after pondering fer a minute."I'll try it on," he ses. And so we left it.

  I didn't see the meeting between Mister Glenwistle and 'is well-meaningcaddie, becos my klient sent me to get him a ball, but when I came backI seed as 'ow Chawley was sniffing slightly, and 'is large outstandingears was reddened. 'Is manner was coldish like to me, but when the two'ad drivin, I asked 'im what 'ad 'appened.

  "'E just boxed me ears," Chawley ses, "and told me as 'ow 'e'd repportme if I lied to 'im agen," 'e ses.

  Fer once I was reely taken aback.

  "I can't make it out, Chawley," I ses. "Where was 'is yusualabsentmindedness? It just shows as 'ow you can't depend on nuthing inthis world! Did you do as I told you, winning smile and all?" I asks'im.

  "Yuss, I did," 'e ses, snappish like. "But it seems as 'ow 'isinterfeering frend 'appened to look out of the club-'ouse when I wasshowing you that swing, and seed it all. Anuther time you can keep yourwinning smiles and your fat-'eaded hadvice to yourself, 'Enery Wilks!"'e ses.

  I didn't answer 'im, remembering 'ow 'is 'uge progecting ears wastingling, but I ses to meself, "So much, 'Enery Wilks, for yumingratitood!"

  * * * * *

  Mr. Mothdriver, the famous, yet absent-minded, golf-naturalist,invariably carries a butterfly-net in his golf-bag--for he agrees withMr. Horace Hutchinson that some of the best entomological specimens canbe captured in the course of playing the royal and ancient game.]

  * * * * *

  _Brer Rabbit._ "I suppose you haven't seen such a thing as a golf-ballabout anywhere, have you?"]

  * * * * *

  _First Enthusiast._ "I say, will you play another round with me onThursday?"

  _Second Enthusiast._ "Well, I'm booked to be married on that day--_butit can be postponed_!"]

  * * * * *

  THE GOLF STREAM.--Flows along the eastern coast of Scotland during thesummer and autumn.

  (Vide _Report of British Association--Section V._).]

  * * * * *

  REAL ENJOYMENT.--_Non-Golfer_ (_middle-aged, rather stout, who wouldlike to play, and has been recommended it as healthy and amusing_)."Well, I cannot see where the excitement comes in in this game!"

  _Caddie._ "Eh, mon, there's more swearing used over golf than any othergame! D'ye no ca' that excitement?"]

  * * * * *

  V.

  A little success at golf, as I've notised, jenerally makes a man wishfor more. Like the appertite of a young girl for chocerlates. I dunno ifyou remember that nice old Mister Giggington, of 'oom I told you. Undermy skillfull gidance, and with the ade of a little inercent 'anky-panky,'e kontrived to wander rarnd these 'ere links in an 'undred andtwenty-nine. Well, ever since that serprising triemph, 'e 'as been'ungering for fresh feelds to konker, as you might say.

  "I want to meet someone, 'Enery, as I can beat," 'e kep' saying, quitetruckewlent like. "I don't pretend as 'ow I'm brillyent, but on my day Ido fancy that there's wuss."

  "You keep on practising steddy, sir," was my invariable words, "and oneof these days we shall see you winning cups and medils."

  As nice and kind an old jentleman as ever smashed a club is MisterGiggington, but I allus 'ave to 'andle 'im like eggs to prevent 'imlosing 'art. I didn't think as 'ow even 'Enery Wilks would be able tograttify 'is 'armless ambishun, but the uther day I saw my chawnce.

  It was a Toosday morning, and the course was quite disserted, excep' forMister G., 'oo was waiting to start a practice rarnd wiv 'is pashuntteecher. Which is me. A
nd then a new member come along 'oo was wishfullfor a game, and dirrectly I set eyes on 'im, somethink, hinstink, Isuppose, seemed to tell me that 'ere was the man for 'oom I 'ad beenwaiting.

  'E was French, and I shall not attempt to rite 'is name, the 'ang ofwhich I never reely kawt. 'E was a small, darkish, jornty man, and